Pour que tu m'aimes encore

One of my favorite songs from Celine Dion is 'pour que tu m'aimes encore', or 'So You'll Love Me Once More'. Some of her deepest and most beautiful songs are in French, and this is once of those instances. There's an English version called 'If That's What It Takes', but I didn't like how they completely changed the meaning. The hauntingly beautiful (and slightly creepy - but what's love without a bit of crazy) lyricism is lost in the English one, so I had to take it upon myself to translate a version that I was satisfied with. 

The song is basically about someone who's willing to do whatever it takes to get back the love of a man she once had, and would do just lunatic stuff (like chanting magic spells) to get it.

Understood all your words, they made perfect sense

I'm the one you should blame, dropping all my pretense

I just say I'm all right, but you know that I'm breaking up inside

Do you see it in my eyes

Everything fades away, don't leave me today

Darling you should know

I will search for your heart, let me make my amends

Even as night descends, every day without end

I can bear with the cold, your soul I'll look for

Enchantment cast upon, pour que tu m'aimes encore

You should not have begun, attract me that way

Should not give you my all, it's a game I can't play

Cause I've reached out for you when the thunder is crashing up above

I thought that it was love

When you smile like the sun that shines through the rain

That's why I'm still here

I will search for your heart, let me make my amends

Even as night descends, every day without end

I can bear with the cold, your soul I'll look for

Enchantment cast upon, pour que tu m'aimes encore

Let us travel towards fields of eternal spring

Using every language, your praises I'll sing

I'll say those words of magic, tribal priests said before

With no trace of remorse, pour que tu m'aimes encore

I will make myself king, so you won't dare leave me

I will light a new spark, flames of passion we'll see

I'll learn what you desire, who you want me to be

You're my priority, every second I live

I will strive to become someone you can adore

Even turn myself gold, pour que tu m'aimes encore

What Do You See

Sweetest love, I want to know what you see

Does my every imperfection change what you think of me

Do your eyes take you beyond the insecure child

To the heart of mine that was deliriously beguiled

Would you turn away if my eyes met yours

Or would you expose the soul my gaze implores

And when you cast me aside would you become too blind

To notice how my twisted life's been horrifically maligned

My friend and confidant, do you see

It's a curious feeling to be selflessly supportive

I'm happy for you because that's what's expected of me

But have you sensed how deeply I've been poisoned by envy

I hate how my well-wishes sound falsely warm

How they always seem to conceal an introspective thorn

I hate how I can't be completely giving

And not succumb to jealousy from within

And what about you, dearest Mom and Dad

I've accomplished what you want, now aren't you glad

Am I becoming the son you've always envisioned

Never made a choice that invited your derision

I know you love who you think I am

But one day you'll learn some things we cannot plan

You watched me grow up but you cannot see

With my heart's deepest desire you would disagree

Carefree stranger, a moment of your time

When you first saw me - take a second to rewind

What did you think and how did you feel

Did I seem put together, were my faults concealed

What kind of vibes did I seem to transmit

Would I like who I encounter if I paid myself a visit

Is a reflection of my inner self the person you saw

Or do we all hide behind cultivated masks to keep them in awe

A Hug And A Kiss, Now Get The Hell Outta Here

This momentous morning marks the last time I'll be seeing my mom for the year. In fact, I'll only see both my parents again when I visit Singapore next year. It's slightly depressing to think about it, but everyone's gotta learn to depend on yourself sooner or later. To brave the exciting and perilous world, standing on your own two feet. And daddy's credit card in hand, of course. How are we going to conquer the world without a few creature comforts.

I don't think anyone's really good at saying goodbye. Not literally 'saying' it, of course. There are many wondrous and varied ways to play with the intonation and inflections. If you're really ambitious, you could even launch into a dramatic interpretive dance which comprehensively expresses your deepest sorrow. Even better, with the help of Google Translator (or, the 'So Long, Farewell' song from the Sound of Music), you can even be pretentiously knowlegeable and say goodbye in hundreds of languages.  (Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you ~)

My life has now certainly become much freer, and yet strangely more constricted too. The ever-present meals have to be prepared by myself now, and there wouldn't be anyone to make sure every aspect of my life is taken care of. Laundry, dishes, walking the dog, taking care of yourself.. It can be a pretty heavy burden to shoulder, and to know that I'll probably have to shoulder it for the next few years. Especially the taking care of myself part. I'm such a difficult person to 'take care of', I just know I'll come to despise this hateful employer of mine. 

"I want a chocolate shake!" 

"What am I, my servant? Go get my own damn chocolate shake!"

Goodness. I can just see the bipolar tendencies surfacing already. Soon I'll be sitting in a padded cell slapping my own hand. 

In non related news, I've been accepted to the Honors program at UW-Madison. This is an especially satisfying accomplishment, as it's the only time I've trusted my own gut, and sent in the essay my dad deemed 'completely off point' for the application. Thankfully, they've liked it enough to offer me a place, and the chance to tell Dad how right I was =)

The Simba Fantasy

Some guys have fantasy football leagues, others have fantasies (however unrealistic) of getting it on with supermodels. I, for one, am proud to say that my own fantasy is nothing as childish as those of my fellow brothers. What I truly desire is to recreate classic scenes from Disney movies, eg. the Rafiki holding up Simba on the mountain ledge in 'The Lion King'. See, not immature at all. 

What I would require now, is a mountain ledge and a lion cub. The one who brings a lion cub to me would most definitely capture my heart. Not the one who finds me a mountain ledge, though. That just means the person's been around, and you sure wouldn't want to be with someone who's been around. (Though, on hindsight, that could probably mean a lot more secret and thrilling rendezvous hideouts. Alright, the mountain-ledge finding person would do too.)

With my lion cub in hand, I'll march up a mountain (I'll have to settle for Bukit Timah Hill for now) and play 'The Circle Of Life' on loudspeakers. I insist that the chants of 'Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba, Sithi uhm ingonyama!' resonate through the entire forest, calling forth all the beasts and critters to pay their respects to the divine ruler of them all. (I'll have to claim the title for myself, the damn lion cub is just a prop.) 

High above my head I'll raise Simba (for of course that's what his name will be. I don't even care if it's a female cub. She'll be a lesbian lion and deal with it.), and all those loyal subjects would bow before me. Probably not as thrilling a sight to see animals like monitor lizards and long-tailed macaques bow, as compared to the elephants, giraffes and rhinoceroses Africa has, but oh well. No one said this had to be a perfectly accurate reenactment. In fact, I'll even settle for a large yellow cat if a lion cub is too rare. 

Now you may ask; James, respected and clear-minded sir, what satisfaction could you possibly attain from such a recreation? Well of course I can, children! There is endless joy and wonderment to be achieved, and I'll let you know how to do that, as soon as I figure it out.

Picture this, but with me as the monkey and no real lions behind me. That would be unwise.

Ditching A Job

So I've been working these days at an advertising firm. At the beginning, I honestly didn't know who we were working for, because they keep us in this little conference room, separated from the main office. On more than one occasion, I wondered if we were hired through illegal means, and that our presence should has to be kept a secret from the majority of the 'real employees' of the company. The 10-day-late paychecks didn't help matters either - it just fueled a desire to drown their laptops in the rooftop pond. 

Another thing not made explicitly clear to us was our job title. When friends asked me what I work as, I would hesitantly stutter a string of words that covered everything we did. As a result, I am now tentatively a 'website-content-uploading-editing-checking-coffee-making-copy-pasting-er'. It'll have to work for the time being, for I still don't have the real answer. Doesn't quite have the ring to it, but I figure if enough people start saying it, it'll catch on.

It used to be a riotously fun job, it really was. But, as all stories go, there's always bound to be one or two conservative prudes that ruin the orgy. (I'm testing out a new saying here, I'm not actually literally describing the situation at work. Like I said, if enough people start saying it...) In our case, it's the ones who are apparently allergic to laughter who's spoiling all the fun. I honestly don't see anything wrong with introducing a wee bit of life into the office. That grotesquely shaped face of hers could sure use a laugh or two to smooth-en it out. Not being judgmental with looks here, but I dare anyone to try recalling an attractive looking bitter bitch. Not easy, is it? The attitude really does reflect in one's features. 

So that, along with a couple more annoyances at work, combined with the effects of a mind-numbingly dull and repetitive job, is making me wanna quit soon. The pay is quite good for the kind of brainless copy-paste work we do - 7 per hour for 8 hours a day. But seeing how I've already accumulated enough money for my projected splurges, I'm no longer feeling the drive and motivation to crawl out of bed (trust me, at 7.45 in the morning, all I can manage is a crawl) day after day for this. 

Which brings us to my moral dilemma. By pulling out when things start looking tough, am I simply succumbing to pressure and becoming a 'quitter'? I never was so good with 'roughing it through', and quitting now would just feed this attitude. On the other hand, by getting out of this mundane work that offers zero job-satisfaction, am I not taking a stand against becoming a slave to money? By staying on, would I just be drilling into my subconscious that I'm someone who's willing to do anything in return for money? It does seem pointless to work and work to accumulate all that money, when you don't even have the time or energy left to enjoy it. I really don't want to spend my last two or three months of pre-college holidays at a unsatisfying job with grouches as colleagues. 

Funny how a simple question of 'to stay or not to stay' can turn into an epic battle between selling your freedom for monetary gain VS deep-rooted quitter attitudes. It really sucks to have a mind that second-guesses yourself - it's like having my own personal devil's advocate, living right here in my skull.

The only saving grace of this place is the chance to see my lovely friends on a daily basis again. I had really missed that when school officially ended. I guess I have it much better than a lot of other folks who have to bear with insufferable colleagues, cause at least I have close friends to shoulder it with. (I'm going to stop this 'my fwens are so cute and cuddly, I wuv my fwens' tirade now, I'm at risk of sounding icky and goosebump-inducing.) And yes, we do talk about them on MSN when we're sitting right next to each other. There's a strange sense of satisfaction you can get through talking behind someone's back - right in their faces.

I Want One

I want one of these giant critters for a pet. Imagine cuddling one on the couch while watching TV, feeding it carrots and combing its hair. (I'm talking about the rabbit, just in case any of you mistake me for having an old-man fetish.) We could even hold paws and walk side by side along the river, talking about our work and reminiscing about the good ole' days. Just look at those adorable big feet - gives me a strange desire to want to bite it.

Congrats! You Get To See More Of Me

The single greatest most incredible thing about going to school in Madison, is the insanely beautiful dorm I'll be staying in, called Lucky 101. It's a privately owned dorm, still located in the school, but managed by private firms. That basically means the rules are far more relaxed, they can make it as luxurious as they want, and it's still within walking distance of your classes. I wanted to rent an apartment of my own, initially, but Dad wouldn't hear of it. He wants me to suffer and experience what it's like to live with other people in the dorms, he says. Sure, dad. I will be suffering very much in my hotel-like complex. They don't even say 'roommates' there, they say suite-mates. Sweet.

It costs a bit more than 7k for the doubles suite, meaning you have to stay in the same room as someone else within that apartment, which is actually cheaper than the school dorm fee of 8k per year. But of course, living with someone else would completely ruin all the plans I have (they totally do not include having various people sleep over, with Mariah's 'Making It Last All Night' playing in the background), and so I pushed my dad into getting the singles suite (12k per year, inclusive of meals), complete with my own queen sized bed. Boy oh boy. The pieces seem to be all falling into place.

The layout of the place is like this.

4 people share one apartment, and we each have our own bedrooms to engage in activities too private to be shared. We share a living room and a fully functioning kitchen, and two bathrooms. There's even concierge and housekeeping services, which leads me to wonder why they're still pretending to be a dorm, when it's obviously a hotel. Also, if you feel that the tone of this post has started to turn excessively braggish, you are absolutely right. Something has finally gone right for me and believe me, I will rub it in all of your faces for as many times as I can =)

The earliest possible date I could move in would be August 25, which is why I have changed my airticket to August 26. The Uni has a special SOAR (summer orientation and registration) date on Aug 31 for those people who are unable to make it to the earlier July dates, so it all works out perfectly. You may now take a moment to shriek in joy at the thought of getting to see me for a whole 2 months more. Go ahead, let it all out.

Okay, moment over.

Feast your eyes on my gorgeous living quarters, if you will =)