The 'Friend'

Honestly, is there anyone who would rather be 'just a friend'? We would assume, of course, that the ones I'm referring to are those you actually are attracted to. Physical attraction does play a big part in a relationship, and it is time people start admitting how superficial we all are. You think ole Madge got together with Jesus Luz 'cause of his brains and his sophisticated sense of humor? It is laughable how some think they are of a more superior standing, just because they can 'see past the physical' and 'focus on the true, inner beauty'. We all know these very same people would dump you in a heartbeat for someone better looking.

But I digress. The topic of discussion today is the 'friend' issue. Isn't it a real kick in the balls when someone you want convinces you to be 'just friends'? And isn't it bordering on lunatic how they try to twist it in a way that makes it sound like it's a *better deal*, because friends are more valuable than lovers? Cut the crap, floozy. You'll jump in bed with the next model-wannabe that walks by, and you know it.

You wanna know the best part? When the person you're sure you're in love with, we'll call this person Taylor (the ambiguity of the gender makes this story relate-able for people of any gender and any sexual-orientation. I am *such* a dedicated writer.), starts talking to you about Taylor's relationship woes. Taylor has now moved into the stage we call 'delusional sister-hood', where said person is convinced the both of you are now best buddies, and so has no qualms about sharing every last excruciating detail.

On one hand, you really wanna be a good friend to Taylor. After all, you *did* say "Of course we'll be good friends, silly!". Who's the silly one now, I wonder. It would be cruel to leave Taylor out there for the wolves-of-dating-nightmares, where he/she would be mauled alive by his/her own imagination. However, you start thinking and double-thinking every thing you say. You don't want to say something that completely crushes Taylor, neither are you willing to offer the solution to solve the problem. Trust me, I've tried throwing a lifebuoy to a sinking couple, and boy is it hard. Not as hard as reeling the lifeline back in before they could grab it. I watched them struggle with a twinkle in my eye and a song in my heart.

Even better than listening to the various dates, is picturing what they did. Oh wow, are those fantastic to imagine or what. And you know tearing your own eyes our wouldn't help, cause it's all swirling about in your head. If you're feeling extra masochistic, you can even ask for the little tidbits of details, which Taylor would gladly serve up. Y'all are buddies, after all, where's the harm in a tiny bit of over-sharing. Right?

Sooner or later, the hateful, troublesome thing known as morality kicks in. The heroic thing to do would be to 'give them your blessings', because you want Taylor to experience the best he/she can. If you can't give Taylor what he/she wants, then the natural thing to do would be to let someone else have the chance to make him/her happy, while you sit at home and feel like a mosh-pit of crap. Aww, I'm so glad he/she is happy now, because of my selfless love for Taylor. What. A. Load. Of. Bullshit.

I say we screw that loser attitude.

Humans are selfish because we are smart. Being selfless gets us nowhere. You heard me. Tell that little bitch to at least have some sense to not plunge the knife where it hurts (though truthfully speaking, stabbing anywhere hurts.). The time for sitting idly at the side is over. Obama didn't say "Oh, dear friend McCain.. You know what? The presidency would really mean a whole lot to you, and I want you to be happy. So, you should go ahead and take it." He was a go-getter, a 100 percent-er. And undoubtedly he can reach the top. Yes, I know, I'm an extraordinary poet. (Mariah, please don't sue for plagiarism, okay?)

It's a jilted-lover eat new-romance world, honey, so if you want your new little something-something to work out, it's not a good idea to look for your 'new best friend' to talk about it. Among the ashes of those burned budding-romances, the 'friends' will rise again. And the world will fear us. Bow down and kiss my hand!

I am waayyy drunk.

"We can still be friends, right?" If by 'friends', you mean someone who is dedicated to bringing your romantic world to an apocalyptic, explosive ending, then sure, we'll be best friends.

'Friends'. Ha! That's a good one.