Innovation

My mother has a great mind for new inventions. One time she said to me, someone should invent a device that can shrink people to tiny, tiny objects. Then my dad can be shrunk and put in my pocket, and I can bring him to school with me and he would answer all my test questions and I wouldn't have to fail every single fucking test. Yup, my wonderful and disturbed mother. 

I do love those inventions that are so genius in their simplicity, or sometimes idiotically awesome. Common household items that are utilized in ways even better than its original function, and I am not just talking about carrot-dildos. The following details products I would love to have around the house.

 

Going down blind is a problem we have all faced. You desperately needed to please your partner's special place in that titillating way only a wriggling tongue can, but ended up randomly poking their belly button because you can't see a thing under the covers. Fear no more: The Oral Sex Light makes sure every none of your slurps and licks are wasted on non-erogenous zones. Guaranteed to spice up any dwindling sex-life. Also, if you get bored you could always do a sudoku puzzle down there and they'd never know.

 

If you've ever seen an adorable baby shuffling around on its short stubby legs, I know what must have crossed your mind - all that good effort spent on the floor and nothing is getting any cleaner! Why not stick the bottom of a mop on our darling little Ben here and let the fruit of our loins do some dusting for once? 

 

I don't know about you, but there were dark moments I faced with a runny nose, and I thought, 'I wish a toilet roll was on my head this very instant!" You just reach up and pull down some toilet paper, blow your nose, and keep on walking. Haters gonna hate.

 

The only bad thing about this invention is that the woman seems to be unable to walk forward. And the fact that neither of them seems to be looking at their 'sweat-heart'. Other than that, perfect invention. I can't wait to get it in hot-pink and wear it with my imaginary lover.

 

This is for anyone out there who have always wanted to point a gun at their heads and pull the trigger for a glamorous blow dry. The gun-shaped-blowdryer should be combined with the game of Russian Roulette for a thrilling, all rounded hair drying experience. One out of six chambers would contain a real bullet. So every time you blow-dry, there's a whopping 5/6 chance you'll end up with a gorgeous to-die-for blowout!

 

Isn't it just awful when you have noodle soup during a date, and the soup sauce just indiscriminately spills all over your face and body, as if that prick of a soup wanted you to not get laid or something? Well carry these handsome face guards out to a fancy restaurant - one for you and one for your lovely date - and you'll be guaranteed a clean, soup-free body. Oh and lots and lots of sex, for sure. That thing's hawt. Just look at that sexy sunflower enjoying her sexy noodles if you don't believe me.