Heritage Christian School Senior
Ohio, USA
From: Saint Bernard
Department for the Punishment of Bad Conduct
Ministry of Godly Affairs
Holy Cow Avenue
Heaven
RE: Dancing at Girlfriend's School Prom
Dear Mr Frost,It has come to our attention here at the Ministry of Godly Affairs that you have recently participated in a dance at the prom of your girlfriend at her school. We would like to express our deepest disappointment in you, and that the Ministry highly condemns your actions. The Ministry also commends the Heritage Christian School for their correct decision in suspending Mr Frost from school and the graduation ceremony.
As a pupil at the prestigious Heritage Christian School, you should be well aware that it is a deadly sin to move your body in anyway that is not related to walking. In fact, it is best that you do not move your body at all, even when sleeping. The reason behind this is that you might accidentally bump into a member of the opposite sex (or, God forbid, the same sex). The touching of bodies between a girl and a boy (or a boy and a boy) is highly inappropriate. Our reports show that not only did you dance, you held your girlfriend's hand and listened to rock music! After all the school has done to protect you from the evils of the world, you willingly plunge yourself into it?
Let the world move forward. We, as good, conservative Christians, must resolutely remain in the joys of the old world, be it an illusion or not. They say that the mordern world has no place for religion, well how wrong they are! This very letter is a proof that God exists! We do not take pleasure in repeating this simple fact, but circumstances have repeatedly forced us to. Do you ever hear of Adam and Eve dancing in the garden of Eden? Does the Holy Bible ever mention any bump or grind? NO! It is a travesty that you should even entertain the thought of sharing a dance with your girlfriend.
On the subject of girlfriends, the Ministry would also like to express its hope that Mr Frost abstain from having any girlfriends until he is married. The thought of women is unhealthy for one's mind. Lust is completely condemned in Heaven! This is, of course, not to say that Mr Frost should look to men for companionship, for, as the Bible has very correctly pointed out, 'If a man lies with a man as he would with a woman, they would both surely die.'. This is not meant to be taken for its other meaning that if one tells a lie to a man, they would die. We have confirmed this as a fact, since it is written in the Bible. However, the Ministry is not completely restricting. We encourage you to date if your girlfriend would agree to wear a burka at all times.
The Department of Ignored Prayers has given feedback that your grandmother, a certain Karen Frost, has prayed several times that she hopes you would make the right decision and not go for the prom. You have let down an old woman in order to get in the good graces of a young one. The ministry finds this action completely disgusting, and hopes that Mr Frost would come to his senses and take the inane naggings of an old woman more seriously in the future.
We do not care that this is the first dance you have ever been to. It is not the concern of the Ministry of Godly affairs to care about the circumstances leading to your sin. All that matters is that a sin has been committed, and an appropriate punishment would have to be meted out. Since the nature of your sin is such a terrible one, you should have been banished to hell for all eternity. However, since all the cells down there are currently occupied by the majority of the world's previous occupants who did not believe in Christianity, we would still accept you to Heaven, along with all the Christian murderers, rapists and pedophiles who repented.
We hope that Mr Frost would repent and change his ways. Otherwise, even God would be unable to save you.
As a pupil at the prestigious Heritage Christian School, you should be well aware that it is a deadly sin to move your body in anyway that is not related to walking. In fact, it is best that you do not move your body at all, even when sleeping. The reason behind this is that you might accidentally bump into a member of the opposite sex (or, God forbid, the same sex). The touching of bodies between a girl and a boy (or a boy and a boy) is highly inappropriate. Our reports show that not only did you dance, you held your girlfriend's hand and listened to rock music! After all the school has done to protect you from the evils of the world, you willingly plunge yourself into it?
Let the world move forward. We, as good, conservative Christians, must resolutely remain in the joys of the old world, be it an illusion or not. They say that the mordern world has no place for religion, well how wrong they are! This very letter is a proof that God exists! We do not take pleasure in repeating this simple fact, but circumstances have repeatedly forced us to. Do you ever hear of Adam and Eve dancing in the garden of Eden? Does the Holy Bible ever mention any bump or grind? NO! It is a travesty that you should even entertain the thought of sharing a dance with your girlfriend.
On the subject of girlfriends, the Ministry would also like to express its hope that Mr Frost abstain from having any girlfriends until he is married. The thought of women is unhealthy for one's mind. Lust is completely condemned in Heaven! This is, of course, not to say that Mr Frost should look to men for companionship, for, as the Bible has very correctly pointed out, 'If a man lies with a man as he would with a woman, they would both surely die.'. This is not meant to be taken for its other meaning that if one tells a lie to a man, they would die. We have confirmed this as a fact, since it is written in the Bible. However, the Ministry is not completely restricting. We encourage you to date if your girlfriend would agree to wear a burka at all times.
The Department of Ignored Prayers has given feedback that your grandmother, a certain Karen Frost, has prayed several times that she hopes you would make the right decision and not go for the prom. You have let down an old woman in order to get in the good graces of a young one. The ministry finds this action completely disgusting, and hopes that Mr Frost would come to his senses and take the inane naggings of an old woman more seriously in the future.
We do not care that this is the first dance you have ever been to. It is not the concern of the Ministry of Godly affairs to care about the circumstances leading to your sin. All that matters is that a sin has been committed, and an appropriate punishment would have to be meted out. Since the nature of your sin is such a terrible one, you should have been banished to hell for all eternity. However, since all the cells down there are currently occupied by the majority of the world's previous occupants who did not believe in Christianity, we would still accept you to Heaven, along with all the Christian murderers, rapists and pedophiles who repented.
We hope that Mr Frost would repent and change his ways. Otherwise, even God would be unable to save you.
Sincerely,
Saint Bernard
Deputy Head
Department for the Punishment of Bad Conduct
Saint Bernard
Deputy Head
Department for the Punishment of Bad Conduct
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