Samhain Tarot Reading

1. The Present

Five of Swords

This is showing your current activity to be quite selfish. The Five of Swords is not a card you will be proud to see in the present position of your reading. Perhaps you have let someone down. You are putting your reputation on the line with an ongoing series of self-centered activity.

2. The Challenge 

Three of Swords

The Three of Swords represents rejection, sadness, loneliness, heartbreak, betrayal, separation and grief. The Three of Swords therefore serves as a reminder that if you can start to see pain as a learning opportunity, life will suddenly become less painful.his card is therefore encouraging you that you have the ability to conquer any pain that comes your way. Understand how the pain can help you grow. If someone has betrayed you and you do not think you can ever love again, challenge that belief.

3. The Past

Seven of Cups

When the Seven of Cups is in the past position, your pursuits of pleasure have led to where you are today. When you emphasize a life of pleasure-seeking, at the core, you are pursuing a life of selfishness. Where this has lead you only you can see, but a past based on narcissistic pursuits does not often lead to a solid present or future without much support from other areas of your life.With the Three of Swords present, your pursuit of illusion is in response to a broken heart, no matter how firm your denials. 

4. The Future

The Heirophant

Here the card reveals a strong pull toward an individual who will explain the meaning of life to you, as well as your role in it. This might be a good affiliation for you to make, or it could be a detrimental affair depending on just whom this person is. 

5. Conscious Goal

Page of Wands

The appearance of the Page of Wands indicates that you are experiencing a creative restlessness within you that is just waiting for some sort of expression, or, you may be on the verge of some sort of discovery or new phase of life. The Page of Wands represents the sudden creative spark that comes to you, suddenly and unexpectedly, and that starts you down the road of a new creative vision. Thus, he encourages you to express yourself and your individuality with light-hearted abandon. Listen to your unconscious mind and follow your creative urges.

6. Unconscious influence

King of Wands

The King of Wands reminds you to lead your life with intent, vision and a long-term view. Know that even though you are experiencing challenges now this is just a part of your journey to something much more positive. Eventually, you will see this time as just a little blip on the radar and it will have simply served to make you stronger. Stay focused on your long-term goals. He shows determination and vision to accomplish his goals at any cost, and while he is often a respected leader, there can be instances where he is prepared to go above the heads of others in order to fulfil his own dreams and agendas, potentially putting others off-side. This King can also become easily distracted by bigger and better things and he can become so accustomed to attention that he can take other people for granted.

7. Advice

Ten of Wands

The Ten of Wands serves as a reminder of how much we take on in our lives and all the extra burdens and responsibilities we weigh ourselves down with. We take on so much, trying to do all the things that need to be done. Thus, this card asks you to stop and examine your current lifestyle or work. Assess which activities or tasks are really urgent or really important, particularly in relation to your broader goals. You may need to employ various time management or prioritization methods in order to determine where best to spend your time and which tasks you can drop. 

8. How Others See You

The Emperor

The Emperor is a powerful leader who demands authority and dominance. He is most comfortable in a leadership role where he can command and direct others. He likes to be in a position of strength, where he can exert control and bring a sense of organisation to his activities. He often represents a solid establishment that is built on strong foundations. As a leader, he rules with a firm but fair hand. He will listen to the advice of others but he will always have the final say. He is not afraid of war and/or conflict and he will not hesitate to use his force and power to protect those he cares about. The privileged few whom he favors always repay him with the loyalty and respect he deserves.

9. Fears

Eight of Swords 

The Eight of Swords portrays a dilemma whereby you are faced with the difficulty of a painful decision and you are at an impasse, uncertain of which way to go. However, what you may not realize is that the decision in the Eight is the result of our own actions. Despite the fact that you have boxed yourself into a corner, there is a way out. The solution is simply to deal with the situation in the most direct yet tactful manner possible, and face your choice with inner strength. It is time to be honest with yourself and others in order to be free of the burden of fear or guilt that is implied with the Eight of Swords.

10. Outcome

Six of Wands

This is perhaps the best position for this card as it is a hopeful placement and a card of glorious accomplishment. This is an indicator that a victory is coming. When this card is paired with The Empress or The Emperor cards, a teacher, boss, parent or an older lover will heap praise on you. The Six of Wands is such positive encouragement to believe in who you are and your accomplishments so far. Have faith in what you have personally achieved and how this will be received by others. Do not let fear or guilt stand in the way of your success.The downside to the Six of Wands is that it can also bring self-importance, arrogance and egotistical behaviours. With victory you may come to think that nobody can be better than you and you end up with an inflated ego and a big head.

Dear Friend,

The season two finale of Doctor Who really hit home. Considering how much I view my life through the paradigms of TV shows, it was scary to see a show that mirrored my life so accurately. Obviously I haven't fought aliens or time-travelled, although one time I had a few hits of weed and it felt like I had the ability to freeze time. But the scene where Rose was brought kicking and screaming into a different universe, separated by The Doctor by being literally worlds apart, resonated with me. 

You know what it felt like, my friend? Before, it felt like anytime something went wrong in any relationship I could go home and say to myself, at least I know someone would still want me. There is still one more person left who wouldn't have treated me like a disposable toy. But now, now it feels like the last person that I could count on for that piece of comfort is gone. I can't because he's someone else's now, he's someone else's but no one has stepped up to claim me from the playpen of lost kids waiting for their ride home. 

The human mind is really too smart for its own good, isn't it? Because try as you might to make yourself think that your world and your life doesn't revolve around some stupid boy, some bitch of a girl, some societally reinforced image of what a relationship should be, at the end of the day it's still there. It resurfaces after a day spent trying to drown it in the clutter of busywork you surround yourself with. You can tell yourself that your life is more than who you're fucking but when the sun goes down it all boils down to one fundamental fear. No, your mind won't stand to be deceived by your half-ditch efforts. Your mind knows. It knows you hate this and you hate yourself for hating this. 

But the sun is a salvation. Because our misery and worries and born of doubt and darkness but it all fades into insignificance in the luminance of sunshine. We just have to be patient enough to see the sun again. 

With love,

Your friend 

Dear Friend,

I heard a story today. There was a psychologist who walked around a room holding up a glass of water, presenting it to the audience. The class was on stress management. The audience probably expected her to ask if they thought the water was "half empty" or "half full" (the right answer is that it is completely full, of course) but instead she asked how heavy did they think it was. The answers ranged from 8oz to 20oz.

The actual weight, she says, doesn't matter. "If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

All I thought about was how I would have just drank the water. 

With love,

Your friend

Dear Friend,

I don't like to admit it, but sometimes I get sucked into a spiral of jealousy. When things seem to be going so well for the ones around me, I put on the face I'm expected to put on and I pretend that I'm happy for them. But I'm not. If you're not happy for yourself then what is the whole point of happiness? Personal happiness is a right you owe yourself, not a gift you can magnanimously bestow upon others. I think we can be happy for someone else when we already have what they have, and then we can go, "oh I'm so happy you've finally caught up."But I think it's really difficult to look at someone who has more and be happy when you see what you haven't got. 

But I have got a lot, I think. We are the human race but our existence isn't a race. I rather believe it isn't all a big competition to get to the finish line because there really isn't anything beyond that. I like to believe that we all have a time when something we desire will come to us, at the moment when we're most poised to receive it. When I go to bed tonight I don't want to see scenes of what could be, I want to turn that all off and be content in the warmth of the luxury I'm surrounded by. I know I'm loved. I feel it in the embrace of my family. I hear it in the laughter of my friends. One day I'll see it reflected in the eyes of someone I love. That day won't be today, but that's okay. It won't be for a while, that's okay too.

What do we do when we're most jealous of the ones we love the most? Let go of the pettiness? Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. 

With love,

Your friend

Dear Friend,

I miss you. Despite having been irritated by you, irked by you, frustrated by you and even repulsed by you, I miss you. I look back fondly at our laughs and our connection. Once upon a time I thought you were the most delightful, fantastic person, but like everyone who got to know someone well, we eventually see the sides that we don't like. At that moment we must make a choice. Do we accept their flaws and put aside our judgement, or do we decide that the ugliness of their character overshadow all the beauty? When we choose to accept their flaws, are we doing it because we're afraid to lose a friend? Are we sacrificing our own values? 

But here we are, years later, worlds apart- and I miss you. I want to bridge our distance with words, and I want you to know me, again. I want you to rediscover me the way I have rediscovered you, and grant me the light of your kindness rather than keep me in the shadow of our past.

These days I feel an anxiety, a gnawing seed of anxiousness that tells me there is somewhere else I need to be.The semester is winding down, along with my year as a junior, and the prospect of a summer in Paris beckons. I feel something out there, out of Madison, out of America, and it is calling my name. I hear it whispering promises of fulfilled opportunities. Something, someone, is waiting for me out there and all I have to do is to meet it. I will have a moment, we could have a moment, and it will pass, fleetingly. But it will be okay. Because I will have grown, and that is mine forever. 

I miss my mother, of her nurturing warmth and ready humor. I miss my father, of his unfailing confidence and boundless knowledge. But I lie to them and I deceive them. I am unable to be honest because of their failure to embody one aspect of parenthood, that of unconditional acceptance. But I realize that parents are children too. Mothers and fathers are also daughters and sons, and they deserve the unconditional acceptance to be who they are by the ones who love them. And I love them. I will be the mother and father to the ones I love, and I will be loving and supportive and accepting even when - especially when - they haven't shown it to me. Rather than try to be the child they wished I could be, I will try to be the parent they couldn't be.

Until next time,

Your friend

Imagined Heartache

Is it possible to mentally self-half? Because I think I'm doing it and in a perverse way it feels good to mentally put myself through horrible made up scenarios. I run make belief scenes in my mind and it feels good just to feel something, and these days I can't fall asleep without putting myself in a depressing place in my head first. It's almost comforting in a way to put myself back in a mental state of imagined heartache, night after night. 

My favorite ones involve betrayal. I picture myself walking in on an imagined lover in bed with someone else, for example. The scenarios are completely absurd but the twist of pain that spiders across my chest is real. I would then see the imagined me dazed and broken but never hysterically sad. I see myself crawling into a bathtub and curling up there, reveling in disgust at the faceless men that have scorned me in my mind and it gives me exquisite pain and comfort. For whatever reason I need this dose of imaginary hardship and its the last image I hold in my mind before I fall asleep.

The False Sense

After you cry there's always this odd sort of peace. You sill feel everything that made you sad in the first place, but you're too tired to go on tearing up and heaving and shaking, so you're just breathing. In and out you breathe, for that moment your body is forced into a false sense of calmness. Your mind is blank, and the only evidence of any emotion at all are your puffy eyes and stuffy nose. What now? What now? What now?

Boy From Ethics

I taste salt through ripped jeans
pink tongue over brown skin
I dream to create my reality
your day ends while mine begins
in mirrors I see your face in mine
where in poetry I see justice
my fears were sealed in a crystal jar
so I don't have to carry it with
so we still fall for gods
while we safeguard our distance
and I cherish the shadows
where I lurk in the darkness
with eyes shut I still see
lights - like desire
we set prayers on fire

Voice

I enjoy that every time you start a new book, it takes some time before you're accustomed to the author's voice. The first few pages always progresses the slowest, as if you've met someone foreign and is still in the process of figuring out their accent. The way they use breaths and phrasing, whether they enjoy short bursts of information or long, flowing descriptions. Sometimes they're warm and makes you feel like you're curled up in bed listening to a story by a kindly grandmother, sometimes they're cold and harsh and makes you feel dirty inside.

But after a while, when you're used to the author's voice, a wonderful thing happens. The words sort of disappear into the pages and instead a moving picture starts forming in your head. It's as thought your eyes aren't seeing the words any longer. Your eyes are still moving down the page but your mind is a step ahead of your eyes and its a movie you start seeing. You're allowed to cast anyone you want as the leads and supporting characters and the protagonists and the antagonists, but somehow they're always already cast in your mind before you start reading. I love that we bring our individual experiences to 'viewing' the book-movies, and that a hundred different people may read a book and walk away with a hundred different experiences, whereas a hundred people watching a film all see the same film. 

Such is the magic of words.

2012 Delights

Some delightful finds that tickled me jollies in the year 2012: 

Book  - Grace by Grace Coddington

Remember when you watched The September Issue and completely fell in love with the big-haired force-of-nature named Grace Coddington? The Creative Director of Vogue, also known as the only person who could stare Anna Wintour in the eyes and still maintain possession of her soul, released a memoir about her modelling and later editorial work in fashion. 

She begins by saying how little she wanted to be involved with the filming of The September Issue, and absolutely hated the intrusive nature of the camera crew. She was in fact horrified that she became the second most featured person in the documentary apart from Anna, but saw how the movie opened people's eyes to the creative process in shooting a spread. She had stories to tell, and boy are they fascinating. Her extraordinary life is like a who's who guide to designers, photographers, models and celebrities, and I loved the way she describes the inspiration for her beautiful photo-shoots. 

I found her writing is accessible and descriptive without becoming too alienating, and is often humorous, especially when talking about working with Anna. She presents a softer side to Anna that we don't hear about, or rather, wouldn't want to admit that she has, because we love nothing more than to villianize her. She isn't disillusioned about fashion being anything more than what it is, and wouldn't claim that fashion is anything as lofty as art, but appreciates it as a medium where designers convey their sense of beauty.  It was an engrossing read and her life of jet-setting to exotic locations for work was totally escapist for me. 

Vogue 2009 December Issue, Grace Coddington as creative director and Annie Leibovitz as Photographer

 Movie - Pitch Perfect

I adore movies about underdogs beating the smug popular kids, I'm obsessed with Rebel Wilson, I lactate with excitement for well-arranged acapella music, and I go balls-out crazy for absurd humor. It was as if all the planets had aligned for this movie, if planets were things that I liked and I was the Sun and all the planets did things just to please me and they made this movie to satisfy the needs of the Sun. (I enjoy metaphors with me in the center of everything.) 

The movie's about a fallen collegiate acapella girl-group fighting for the championships in acapella (which is apparently a thing), and they need the new surly girl who has all these great ideas about mixing songs but all she wants to do is be a DJ and wants nothing to do with your lame-ass harmonizing. Every line in this movie is laugh-out-loud funny, and when I say laugh-out-loud I really do mean you'll laugh, not just exhale more air out of your nose the way people do when they find something mildly funny. There's this really creative scene where all the acapella groups on campus come together and have a riff-off, where to win your group has to cut in with a song that begins with the last word of the song the previous group was singing.

The music's great, the movie's so adorable and I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm in love with Rebel Wilson.

   

Album - Night Visions by Imagine Dragons

If I were to compile a list of my favourite albums released in 2012, naturally Celine Dion's Sans attendre would be right there at the top, but that's predictable and gushing about how perfect it is would be too simple. 

An album that surprised me was Night Visions. I don't usually listen to many alternative rock bands, but their melody is addictive and their songs are all consistently powerful. It's Time was the first song I heard by them, and I was just instantly hooked. Now I listen to their songs when I want to imagine myself walking through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and striding through the bones of my fallen enemies. It's my go-to album when playing stuff from my iPod for someone else, it's universally loved and makes them think I have good taste in music when in truth I just want to spazz out to some One Direction.

My favourites from the album includes Radioactive and Demons.

Song - Read All About It (Part III) by Emeli Sandé

To explain my love for this song, I have to first explain what an OTP is. In the thrilling and scary world of internet fandoms, you ship characters (fictional or otherwise) that you believe would make a good couple, and the one you believe in the most is your One True Pairing (OTP), and if your shipped characters or celebrities do get together, it becomes canon. 

So my OTP is Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles of One Direction, and they are collectively known as Larry Stylinson. I know that both of them currently have 'girlfriends', but just remember that Ricky Martin used to be a womanizer and Lance Bass had 'girlfriends' till he was 22. There are many things I can't do but spotting the gays is something of a specialty of mine. The way those two give each other lingering eye-fuckings in interviews is just begging to be noticed. While I respect their decision to keep things on the down-low as their career is built, after all, on making girls think they'd be able to get hard enough for penetration, it's quite sad that their managing company seems hell bent on suppressing this beautiful love. 

Which brings us to the song, which seems just perfect for their situation. Reportedly Louis cried watching her perform this at the closing ceremony for the London Olympics, and just imagining him singing this to Harry makes me want to tear up. (I really should get a hobby.)

 

  

Real Conversations

It's New Year's Eve, and I'm sitting in the backseat of a friend's car. His dad is driving, with his brother riding shotgun. The dad asks where the brother is going after this, and he replies, "To Haley's, believe it or not." They make some joke about how unbelievable it is that he would rush off to his girlfriend's at first chance. 

I observe this exchange with a sense of wonderment. I have never, nor do I think I will ever, had a relaxed conversation with my parents about my dating life. My dad wouldn't go, "hey where are you going to tonight?" and joke with me about how often I'm at a boyfriend's place. The very idea of being open with dating in-front of one's parents feels alien and bizarre to me. All my life I've been conditioned to be evasive and flippant about who I'm seeing, or become defensive. I envy the authenticity of their exchange, and I value it.

Grandpa Leaves

It was the night after Thanksgiving when I received the news. I had been checking my phone for new messages and emails every few minutes, because for whatever reason I just had the strongest feeling that I was going to hear about my grandpa soon. It's the second Thanksgiving I've spent with the Piehlers, family of two of my PiLam brothers who adopt me every November, and sure enough, in the middle of a movie about Christian Bale fighting dragons, I saw an email from Dad. The words were simple and to the point: Grandpa passed away at home this afternoon: 25^th November 2012, 13:14.

"My grandpa just died." I said in a somewhat monotonous voice. "I'll go give my dad a call." 

I excused myself and closed the door of the study behind me, while dialing my dad's cell. Our conversation was short and strangely was in English. Perhaps using grandpa's native tongue would feel too close to home, so we both avoided Chinese. "Call mom," he says, and for the first time I hear his voice crack. I'm extremely susceptible to being influenced into crying if I hear someone else cry, and it set me off. By the time I dial the number for mom, who was in CQ at the moment with my grandpa, the sobs were coming on full force. 

I sat on the pull-out bed, white-knuckling the phone, trying to make coherent phrases but failing. At that moment I feel more distanced from my family than I ever have, feeling like I couldn't do anything for the people I love, feeling alone and isolated. Grandma was crying as she tells me to take care of myself, to not worry. I texted Damian for that was always who I went to first, and his words were calming. 

For the most part I felt a sense of relief. I had been dreading this moment ever since Grandpa's diagnosis of lung cancer. Mom flew over to help take care of him with Grandma, and since then I haven't been able to regularly skype with my parents since my Dad stayed in Singapore to teach his classes. I remember one time where I just felt overwhelmed by everything I had to do at school and needed to hear a familiar voice, so I gave mom a call. She started crying the moment she heard my voice, which of course set me off as well. Both of us were bawling before either of us even said anything. As she regained composure, she said that grandpa was getting worse and he couldn't even speak anymore. Grandma holds the phone up to his ear and I was calling out to him, and faintly I heard him say my name in a raspy whisper.

I'm relieved that he isn't suffering anymore from the pain and humiliation cancer puts one through. I'm relieved that my mother can finally return home again after she has performed above and beyond her duties for the in-laws who have never treated her fairly. The uncles from my father's side, with their good-for-nothing attitudes, have always claimed that the only thing our family ever contributed to my grandparents' well-being was money, that they're the ones being filial and taking care of the elders. In my mother's entire stay with Grandpa, the rest of them showed up for a total of maybe three times. They've since then gotten off their high horse and shut up about who's put in the most effort. It's just sad to me how fake or shameless they are, lying through their teeth about issues that don't merit argument. 

I'm not religious and I don't believe in heaven or hell. I don't think Grandpa's now floating in the clouds sipping on his favourite baijiu. But I do believe in the power of transcendent relationships, and I know that as long as one of us is still alive, then the love that existed between us is still thriving. I believe in taking a well deserved rest after the toil that is life, and I hope that he has finally found peace.