Is it possible to mentally self-half? Because I think I'm doing it and in a perverse way it feels good to mentally put myself through horrible made up scenarios. I run make belief scenes in my mind and it feels good just to feel something, and these days I can't fall asleep without putting myself in a depressing place in my head first. It's almost comforting in a way to put myself back in a mental state of imagined heartache, night after night.
My favorite ones involve betrayal. I picture myself walking in on an imagined lover in bed with someone else, for example. The scenarios are completely absurd but the twist of pain that spiders across my chest is real. I would then see the imagined me dazed and broken but never hysterically sad. I see myself crawling into a bathtub and curling up there, reveling in disgust at the faceless men that have scorned me in my mind and it gives me exquisite pain and comfort. For whatever reason I need this dose of imaginary hardship and its the last image I hold in my mind before I fall asleep.
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