"I am stronger than a holiday" was the mantra I had been repeating to myself since Christmas Eve. Due to time constraints, it apparently wasn't cost efficient to have me fly back to Singapore during Winter Break, so here I am, spending Christmas alone. I'm not even gonna try and sugarcoat it like how some people would, speaking about inanimate objects as if they could offer them some companionship."It's just me and ole' Mr Cheesecake tonight." I'm not going to evade feeling these emotions by making a little joke out of it - I'm facing it head on, and admitting that I've spent a very pathetic Christmas.
But you know what? I was actually a tad disappointed at how easy it was to get through the seemingly hardest 24-hours of the year. I thought I would be bawling my eyes out in the bathtub (if only I had a bathtub), naked (when you're in a bathtub, it's only polite to be undressed) and finishing a whole bottle of champagne (must there really be a good reason for champagne?). Sure, I felt the familiar 'OMG IT'S CHRISTMAS!' jolt that snapped me wide awake and for the first time ever, it was accompanied by a sinking feeling, knowing I was going to be facing the worst Christmas of my life.
Browsing through the Sci-Fi collection on Netflix, I came across 'Aliens'. Now under normal circumstances, gory-looking monsters with droopy slime-saliva would definitely not be on my to-watch list. However, seeing how it's Christmas and how this day has very different connotations for me now, I somehow began watching Ripley, played by Sigourney Weaver, fight her way out of an alien infested planet. Our lives have a lot in common, I thought. Sure, I may be in a comfy couch with a hot-fudge sundae while she's crawling in extraterrestrial gunk, but her fight to stay alive pretty much mirrors my day.
I do realize that there are hundreds of thousands, perhaps a million people out there with worse Christmases. Kids are starving to death by the thousands every single day, even on Christmas. So while I'm still alive, I have nothing to complain about. I have people who love me, even if they're on another continent, so what if I have to be alone on the one day it's considered absolutely necessary to spend basking in the warm glow of familial love. So what if they're feasting on honey baked ham while I'm having leftover fried rice. So what if.. Actually this self-motivation thing is kinda starting to work a negative effect.
After 'Elf', I got so cramped that I decided a good walk around the lake was just the kind of nostalgic/thoughtful evening I needed. As I neared the lake, I realized that it was completely frozen over, and was covered entirely in fluffy white snow. There were footprints on it, indicating that either Jesus had a second coming, or that it was safe for people to walk on it. I tentatively stepped onto the lake and sunk a whole foot into the snow. It was an extremely nerve-wrecking experience, considering I had actually fallen into an icy lake once in China. On hindsight, it was probably not that good of an idea to attempt this while it was so dark out and with no one around. I brushed off the snow around my feet, and uncovered the actual frozen lake beneath. I was ecstatic - Jesus' whole being-able-to-walk-on-water thing didn't seem that much of a miracle anymore. I took a few confident steps, and was soon running all over the lake like Jesus on drugs.
And then I saw something that made my heart completely freeze over - a few feet before me was a pond-sized area that wasn't covered with snow. It did look like ice, but then I saw that the wind was causing ripples to blow across the surface. I was terrified that my weight would cause the ice to break, seeing how it's this close to unfrozen water, and I ran as fast as I could to the shore. Never. Again. Jesus can have this fucking miracle back, I'm not that eager to disprove it anymore.
One of my favorite new Christmas songs (apart from the entire new Christmas album from Mariah, of course), is the Glee version of 'Baby It's Cold Outside'. Darren Criss' Blaine duets with Chris Colfer's Kurt, and it's so refreshing to hear a gay love duet on TV. Having heard another version of it today on 'Elf', I was very inspired to record my own version with my one true love - Me. Singing lyrics like 'man, your lips look delicious' to myself does not gross me out at all. It's more of a self-affirmation, if you will. I assure you, this is not a cry for therapy. It's just bringing narcissism to a whole new level.
Today is also marks the fourth whole month I've been here. With the new year just a week away, I couldn't help but wonder if I had achieved all that I thought I would. After repeatedly shutting myself off from the dating world when I was in Singapore (due to my imminent departure), I was under the impression that I'd already be hitched and have a very spiritually and emotionally-fulfilling bond with the perfect one by now. A series of false starts and slutty nights later, I've come to realize that maybe it isn't the environment that's my issue. It's impossible to take anyone seriously when I go into it with the mentality of a shopper - if there's a slight defect, exchange it for a better one. I suppose I'm still waiting for someone to send me that spark that'll make all of the negatives look as appealing as the positives.
In other aspects, I've grown so much more than I had previously thought possible. Spending holidays like Christmas completely alone used to seem like Mission Impossible, but when you've gone through something, you realize there isn't much to it. I can entertain myself sufficiently, I have time consuming hobbies and most importantly, I'm comfortable being alone. Perhaps the most valuable lesson learnt while studying abroad is the independence you would discover yourself to possess, and that your well-being and happiness is and always has been in your own hands.
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