December the 15th brings us to the end of the Fall semester. In the blink of an eye (actually 2 million blinks, seeing how a person blinks 17000 times a day and I've been here for four months), an entire semester has flown by. Back when I was still in Singapore, the prospect of facing school and exams, all that whole nine yards of actually doing something, really worried me a little. And just like that, after a constant bombardment of little tests, countless Shakespearean plays, endless parties, missed lectures, nameless classmates and a bizarre PiLam initiation later, the first one-eighth of my college life was over.
Have I achieved all that I had planned to in that all significant first semester? Most people think they're going to somehow will themselves into developing fantastic study habits after 12 years of slothfulness, and magically get top grades in everything. I am, sadly, one of those delusional fruitcakes. If you think being motivated is hard when you're surrounded by people that breathe down your neck, try being motivated in a situation where you're completely unsupervised. The hardest part about being in college isn't necessarily the exams or the workload. It is the daily routine of forcing yourself to get out of bed and to attend each class, however menial they may seem, just because. It is easy to surrender to the illusion of freedom, that you can now do whatever the fuck you want to, now that no one's around to police your actions. But are we really as free as we imagine ourselves to be? Freedom implies that we're also free from consequences, but obviously, that's not the case when you miss classes and discussions.
Now that I'm in college, I think a lot more about how what I'm learning now is going to help me when I'm out in the 'real world' fighting for work. I can barely secure a job as a lowly office assistant as it is, and I'm only competing with people in my school. Makes one wonder about the slaughter and bloodshed out there when the Harvard and Yale graduates are set free into the world and given a free reign at our exposed, soft necks. Sure, the oldest lie in the book is that employers look for extra curricular involvements and personality in addition to certifications. There are tens of thousands of those elitist bastards, do they really expect us to accept the lie that all Harvard grads are personality-devoid zombies? Really, the things we invent to comfort ourselves. Right along the lines of 'I'll just run another round to make up for snacking on this lovely piece of cheesecake."
Starting a new life 9000 miles away from home is tough, I'm sure I have said that time and time again. But it really is, I don't think anyone who's not done it can really imagine the many implications it has on one's life. On most days I can function like a normal person - go out with the frat brothers, party like a rock star (with a bottle of red wine in hand), be social. But on rare occasions, these bouts of intense loneliness creeps up and it just empties you from the inside like a vacuum. It's a profound sense of isolation, with the 'there's no one within thousands of miles that I can rely on' feeling. There are people around me that I know on a superficial level, sure, but there's no one from my 'previous life' and no one I can really feel comfortable enough relying on. It's not that I'm being a paranoid schizophrenic about the intentions of people around me. On the contrary, I know that I'm surrounded by good people, but there's still a distance between trusting someone and being willing to let them help you.
Would people diagnose this as being 'home-sick'? It is really not the physical environment that bothers me, but rather the sheer exhaustion from having my guard up and looking out for myself all the time. I would be just as happy being here, if only there was just one familiar face around me. Still, I'd say I did pretty well for myself tackling Madison. I did not (as a cousin of mine did) fail everything I ever took a test in, did not (as some family friends darkly predicted) succumb to the drastic change in weather, did not (unlike most Asians here) stick fearfully to the Asian club, and I did not (as some previous seniors did) quit the pledging process during PiLam's initiation. I did, however, develop addictive online shopping tendencies and an unhealthy obsession with NetFlix, but I'm sure they can be pursued in therapy.
On a side note, I can't believe I used to live without the wondrous NetFlix. It allows you to watch thousands of movies and TV shows without commercials, unlike Hulu, and they would mail you DVDs that you would mail back to them when you're done with it, like a rental process. Pure brilliance. Am renting all 8 seasons of Will & Grace right now.
People still give me the judgmental look when I tell them that I'm in a fraternity. One even went as far as to say I'm paying for friends. If only it was as easy as simply paying. Not to give too much away, but the whole process involves history lessons, exams, projects, community service events and initiation rituals. Nothing sexual is involved, so porn enthusiasts can stop looking at me like that, I know what you're thinking. It's hilarious if one thinks he can simply pay up and get in - if no one in the frat likes you, you're not going to receive a bid to begin with, so tough luck trying to get in. That's right, membership is exclusive and that's the way I roll, bitches.
My goals for spring semester? I've signed up for French, Criminal Justice, Sociology (Contemporary American Society, whatever the fuck that means), Theater and Music, which makes a total of 16 credits. I intend to become very good in French under the tutelage of professionals, and I want to be good enough to understand if Celine speaks a little French during the concert. So it'd be best if she just sticks to "bonjour, ca va?". Being in a frat has opened my eyes to a lot of Greek-society workings, but I still intend to pursue something I'd feel more at home with. Which is why I'm gonna go for more acapella group auditions and actually sign up for more than one. Maybe I'd even audition for the all women group just to try my luck.
So that's one semester down, seven more to go.
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