Twelfth Night(mare) Act 1

Act 1 Scene 1
[The beach, Greece]
Enter Lucas, Yew Siang and Kin Onn

Lucas: Roses are red
Violets are blue
I wanna marry you
And screw you too

YS: Oh, Lucas, the loving gaze in your eye
Brightens my day like the sun in my sky

KO: Rawr! Rugby!

YS: Be quiet, foolish one
Will you only shut up when the day is done?

Lucas: Come, my dear one,
We’ll escape into the sunset
Get married by the seaside
And at night we’ll have great sex

KO: Yes!

YS: Yes!

Lucas: Yew Siang, I was talking to,
Kin Onn, I’ll never love you
An affair or two has been fun
But you’re impotent, and will never give me sons
Come, my darling Yew Siang!

[Exeunt]

Act 1 Scene 2
[In a manger full of hay (like where Jesus was born)]
Enter Lucas, Yew Siang, Kin Onn and Doctor Lawrence

YS: Never once in my sexual escapades
Have I felt a pain so great
Three babies pushing out of my private place
Why won’t they give me a fucking break

Lawrence: They’re not coming out. How can this be happen?

Lucas: Push harder, you useless bitch!
This birth must go off without a hitch

KO: Ooh! The blood scares me!

Lucas: Shut up, you brainless head!
Will you only be quiet when you’re dead?

-Lucas shoots Kin Onn in the head. Kin Onn dies. -

YS: Take me now, dark Hades of hell
Just bless my children with utmost wealth

-Yew Siang dies-

Lawrence: Come on, guys. Time for Caesarean! Ripped untimely from the womb!

-Lawrence saws off Yew Siang’s leg-

Lucas: As useless as a doctor as a math teacher, I see
Stop all these nonsense, leave my wife be

-Lucas shoots Lawrence. Lawrence dies-

Lucas: My dear children, you’re finally here
At last I can go drink my ice cold beer.

[Exeunt]

Act 1 Scene 3
[A marketplace in Italy]
Enter Lucas, with three young children, Yiling, Junzhi and James

YL: The busy market
Stink of the fish is so strong
I want to go home

JZ: Fret not, sister
Here’s a flower, it’ll be better

Lucas: Look, children; cotton candy!
Have some and all’ be dandy

Shopkeeper: Come, children, cotton candy!
Have some and all’ be dandy!

Lucas: I just said that, you goon
Think of something more original
Or I’ll hit you with a spoon

James: Pray calm down, old man
Buy the candy or I’ll bite your hand

Lucas: Such utter insolence!
On you three bastards I’ll never spend a pence!

JZ: Beer money you spend on
But your children you don’t dote on

YL: I do not like you
A tyrannical father
I want to kill you

Shopkeeper: Here, brave children!
Use my knife
End this old bastard’s
Meaningless life

YL: Hand the knife to me
I have been dreaming of this
Despicable fool!

James: Sister, give it to me
This is no sight for a lady to see

-Yiling stabs Lucas-

Lucas: Young fry of treachery!
She has killed me, shopkeeper

-Lucas dies-

Shopkeeper: Come on, children, the candy’s on me
For killing that fool you’ll get it free

[Exeunt]

note: Yiling speaks in Haikus