Friday, August 7, 2009

My Neighbour is a Schizophrenic

Guess what I found out today! My family apparently abuses our neighbor by:

- setting our dog on her
- cutting off her plants when it blooms
- forbiding her from joining a Buddhist organization
- forcing her to join a satanic cult
- threatening her if she reuses
- scaring her so much that she doesn't dare to return home

Boy do we have issues. That is, if you trust the words of a schizophrenic.

I never thought i would actually encounter any member of the highly expansive mentally ill club, but that's exactly what the seemingly innocent looking old granny (that lives in the apartment next to our's) turn out to be. That explains why she gave me the 'AHHH IT'S THE SPAWN OF THE DEMON' look when I said hi to her in the life. She was probably debating if she could take me out in a fist fight if I decided to tear her into pieces and eat her up.

She really shouldn't blame someone else for her lack of botany skills. Though, of course it would only be natural for her to think we did that to her. Happens all the time, doesn't it. Neighbors who are jealous of your beautiful cactus and decide to snip off all the little spikes.

"Hey, is that a new breed of cactus?"

"Nah, my neighbor did that."

"Oh, tough luck for you. Yeah, I have horrible neightbors too. At least yours didn't feed poison lollipops to your granddaughter."

As for the satanic cult thing, she only has herself to blame. We're just trying to show her the true path to heaven, and the silly old bird refuses. Don't they always say the fastest way to heaven is to find hell's door? We're showing her the bloody door and she refuses to bulge. Only option left is to give her a gigantic shove, to give her a little encouragement. Old people can be soooo tough to persuade. Now she thinks we're threatening her. Hello, blood thrown on your front door can hardly be counted as threatening. I mash your son's finger into your potatoes and only tell you after you're done eating it, now that's a threat.

I fear for my life now. Like, seriously. What if one day, dear old granny decides it's time to rid the world of evil, one neighbor at a time? She might decide to put on her Supergirl costume, and I don't think my poor brain can handle an 80 year old in that outfit. I'll just drop to to ground and die.

Don't do that to me, old granny!

No comments: