Exclusivity

I do admit that I try to keep control of my life through possessing stuff. I need to be able to say for certain what I have, the things I own tell me what I'm able to secure. At a time where nothing much in my life stays constant, I long to be able to just hold on to some things with no fear of it being ruthlessly taken from me. 

Loss is a part of life. It is a concept everyone is aware of but not one that is easy to swallow. In times following great loss. we scramble to recover what we can, to scour and gather up the little pieces of our fragmented lives. We hoard and we jealously defend what's left of us, and we build up even more barriers to keep the people around us at bay. They are thieves, just waiting for our guards to be let down before sneaking in and taking what little we have left.

I pity the people who desire to live lives of blurry encounters and hour-long commitments. I pity the people whom the word 'commitment' burns their psyches like holy-water on a demon. Maybe players who go home with different people every night feel secure in their own right, maybe they feel content with sporadic bursts of alcohol-aided intimacy. But I can't go through life like that. I need security and constant reassurance that the one I love wants me as much. 

I'm hardwired for exclusivity, and I naturally expect the same from anyone who expects to date me. My off-the-charts possessiveness literally makes me physically sick to imagine my dates with other guys. You can't have it all, expecting me to hang around while you enjoy non-exclusive playtimes with someone else. It's not easy getting someone like me to open up again after someone elses' actions forces me to back away, and squandering my trust doesn't end well for either of us.

Emotional and physical fidelity is not something that I will ever even entertain the possibility of questioning, and wanting me to explain that is like asking me to explain why sharks have a taste for walruses. Nature dictated it, deal.