Love Sobriety Act 2

Teddy
The problem with Devon is that he doesn’t think his situation is messed up. Everyone else sees it, but to him it’s ‘tragically beautiful’.

Dr Hartstein

Ah yes, the Relationship Addict. Everything is meaningful to him, everything has a deeper significance, every gesture a declaration of undying passion. These people don’t let go of a relationship for nuts, most of the time clinging on just so they can say that they do indeed have a relationship. “Look at me, I’m wanted.”


Teddy 

That’s exactly what he does!


Devon 

Excuse me?! Since when are dubiously certified ‘doctors’ and theatre geeks qualified to psychoanalyze people’s personal lives? And since we're already on the topic, I would like to point out that this is in fact my very first relationship, and I am most definitely not in 'desperately need' of one.


Janine 

You don’t have to be so defensive, Devon. “The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.”


Devon 

I’m not a damn alcoholic, though I won’t say no to a drink right now.


Janine 

Everyone’s ashamed to admit their problems. For myself, I was especially ashamed to say anything, given the slightly embarrassing turn my failed relationship took. But you know what, I told myself I made a mistake and here I am today, a completely different woman.


Amber 

(Rolls eyes) As opposed to an amateur pornographer.


Janine 

(Shrugs) I wanted to keep him interested.


Devon 

Jesus Christ, now we’re tying pornography to love.


Dr Hartstein

 Let Ms Janine tell the story, Devon. There’s probably something in there you can learn, and maybe you’d recognize your own lewdly self-destructive behaviour. Would save your friend Teddy here a whole lot of trouble if he doesn’t have to clean up the wreckage of yet another relationship just waiting to implode.


Devon

(To Teddy) Is that what you’ve been telling people; that you’re worried about me crying to you when it goes wrong? When have you ever seen me cry over a guy? When Charlotte died, yes I cried for the literate spiders of the world. When Lassie almost dies time and again, I cried for the courageous spirit of the canine species. When have I ever sobbed uncontrollably for a sentient creature? (Teddy looks away.)


Amber 

Are all gay people as gay as you are, or did you work to get this annoying?


Dr Hartstein 

Ms Janine, I’m sure Mr Devon here would love to hear your story.

Devon 

As surprised as I am to hear myself say this, but I really am dying to hear this one.


Janine 

(Takes a breath. Exhales.) Alright. I don’t relish reliving it, so be honoured that I’m once again plunging myself into those memories I swore I would keep suppressed.


Amber 

Oh cry me a fucking river and get on with it.


Janine

Well it started like this. He had previously learned that I didn’t know how to drive, so for our first date, he said he would teach me. It was kinda romantic, you know, him taking me to an empty abandoned lot and letting me drive illegally. Sure, it sounds like the set of a serial-killer movie, but I always say there’s a fine line between downright creepy and downright romantic. The fact that we were breaking the law right beside a church made it all the more thrilling. I loved how much he trusted me, someone who’s never sat in the driver’s seat until that day, to drive his beautiful white car round and round in circles. The fact that it was white made me really quite nervous.


Dr Hartstein

Understandable. I would be too, the redness of a by-passer’s blood would be so obvious on it if you hit someone.


Devon 

I think she was talking about scratches.


Dr Hartstein

(Pause) I don’t see how scratches is a bigger problem than blood.


Janine 

(Interrupting) My point was, I liked how much he trusted me. I guess my first warning sign was the packet of cigarettes I saw in the drink holder. In the past, I would never have dated a smoker. I think they taste acrid when you kiss them and they smell constantly of smoke and they’re not content to die alone through lung cancer and is trying to take us non-smokers with them through second-hand smoke. So I saw the pack of cigs but didn’t mention it till later on, I guess I was not really ready to accept that someone I’ve been having that much fun with was turning out to be a smoker. I was silent pretty much for the whole trip back to civilisation, all the while internally-debating if I was willing to put aside my rules this one time and just go for it. He would be worth it, I tell myself. All lies, of course, but things are only crystal clear in retrospect.


Devon 

I take back what I said about wanting to hear this if all you’re gonna talk about is his smoking.


Amber 

He’s right, can you just skip to the interesting part about your self-taken pornography already?


Janine

We’re getting to it. So that night I decided that just this time, I was going to forget all my stupid rules and self-imposed restrictions. What good are they if all they’re doing is keeping me from happiness?


Dr Hartstein

Yup this is a classic case of a love-influenced mentality, you begin hearing voices laced with demonic-intonations and slowly start believing them.


Janine

Oh they’re demonic alright. I’ve now come to learn that any decision made under the influence would come back to haunt you. His previously hidden psychosis began surfacing in disturbing ways. He would break 3 dates in a row, each time citing ‘I’m sorry, I just can’t do this now. My past is really fucked up (his words, pardon my language) and I’m so messed up now.” I’m like, ohhhkay a simple, ‘Hey I’m busy today’ would have sufficed.


Amber 

Or hey, today I’m banging some other chick.


Janine 

I prayed every day, I said, “Please God, Father in Heaven, I’m a good church goer and a caring daughter. I do some illegal driving now and then, but is that any reason to send a character from the Looney Tunes my way? I know you’re more benevolent than this, please show me he’s not a complete whack job.” The silly thing was, he was the one who had actively pursued me, so all this back and forth lunacy of wanting to, then not wanting to see me was very confusing.


A week later he broke up with me. I had asked him if I was someone to him, and he said, not in the same way that he’s someone to me.


Devon

So you’ve been dumped and now you think people need support groups for being scorned by guys. This is clearly a support group of men-bashers; none of you are what they really classify as a ‘love-addict’.


Janine 

No, that wasn’t the hard part. I had been broken up with before, that wasn’t anything new. The crazy part started after we had broken up. He insisted on remaining friends, though I was less open to that idea. I mean, why do I have to pretend to be okay with everything, with you dating someone else… when I don’t really want to be? We weren’t friends before, so whose benefit is it that I’m really pretending for?


Teddy 

It’s probably a way of making himself feel better.


Devon

Aren’t you the sensitive one today.


Janine

He wasn’t even a possessive boyfriend when we were together, that side of him only manifested after we’ve broken up. I would be hanging out with other male friends of mine, and for whatever reason, he would get really worked up about it. I don’t get what his problem was- he was the one who just wanted to be friends, he was the one who said I wasn’t anyone to him, so where’s he getting off being all possessive about things now? He heard somewhere that I was going to the clubs that night with my other male friends, and that really rubbed him the wrong way. I had eventually decided not to go, I’m also in Alcoholics Anonymous, I’m not ashamed to admit it, so I don’t think getting into that close proximity to martinis and rum was a great idea, especially after a break up. I couldn’t say the same for him, though. He had apparently gone out and gotten himself drunk, then began drunk texting me.


Devon 

Like what?


Janine

Really gross stuff, like how he finds his friend’s pussy tight and warm. Stuff that I had definitely not asked about, and have no intention of entertaining. I replied very curtly to tell him to stop drunk texting me and embarrassing himself. For whatever reason, his already sociopathic tendencies, coupled with a few drinks, bursts forth and reined a rampage of verbal abuse at me. Being a devout church goer and proud brownie scout girl, I absolutely refused to engage in this childish display of crudeness. I did not collect my ‘Friend of the Elderly’ badge by sprouting words like ‘shitmonger’ or ‘fuckweasel’ or ‘Son-of-a-raving-bitch-pussy-monster-cunt-slutface-FUCKTITTYFUCKBITCH!’


(Silence)


Amber 

I am in awe.


Janine

Oh stop looking at me like that, it was just an example of what I don’t say. Anyways, he goes on to say that it’s a pity how his phone still has dirty photos of me, the ones I had sent to him when I was still with him.


Teddy

It’s always the church-going-bible-thumpers you have to watch out for.

Janine 

I’m sure there isn’t anywhere in the Bible that bans the taking and distribution of suggestive photos with a webcam. In fact, I’m pretty sure the word ‘photo’ never appears in the Bible even once.


Amber

I don’t think ‘camwhoring slut’ appears either, but I’m pretty sure it’s at least implied.


Janine

Oh now you’re all high and mighty, Miss Fellatio Universe 2009?


Amber

Look how quickly the church-bitch transforms, it’s fucking incredible.


Dr Hartstein

(Above the noise) Let us remind ourselves that derogative terms do not help us grow and overcome our problems!


Devon

I don’t like where this is going, but I gotta ask. Why did he bring the photos up?


Janine 

He was threatening to post them online. Keep in mind that he was the one who started everything, who gotten jealous over a situation where he has absolutely no right to be, and then betrayed my trust by threatening to post my most intimate photos on the internet.


Amber

If a guy did that to me I would literally tear his goddamned balls out and stain my bare hands with that bastard’s blood.


Devon 

Well, did he do it?


Janine 

Oh you can bet on Moses’ great waving arms he did.


Devon 

I’m not sure I get that analogy.


Janine

You know, Moses has a great arm. He waves it and the oceans part. The point is, he really did post it on Facebook, and had the audacity to tag me. Thank the heavens it wasn’t one where my face was shown, but still! It literally knocked the breath out of me as I scrambled to block and report that photo to the relevant authorities. Facebook should really have a huge red panic button for situations like this. ‘Please state the nature of your complaint’. My BARE NAKED BUTTOCKS are on Facebook, is that enough of a reason to complain? Mark Zuckerberg has clearly never faced this problem before. Then again, if I had Zuckerberg’s butt, neither would I.


Devon 

Fair point. What eventually happened to the photos?


Janine

There was just the one, and of course I untagged it within seconds, so none of my friends saw it. I assume it was on his own wall for a longer period of time. He eventually removed it when he was finally sober in the morning, and tried apologizing for it. Of course, both he and I know that we can never have any sort of relationship ever again after what had happened, be it friendship or otherwise. I threatened to obtain a restraining order against him if I ever had the displeasure of seeing him again, and since then he hasn’t contacted me.


Dr Hartstein

(Wiping a tear) Such a courageous story from a feisty survivor of love. You see what happens when you let love tell you what to do, Devon? When you decide that you can forget the very reasons you had rules and restrictions for dating in the first place? You wind up with your big fat bottom all over Facebook. No offence to your buttocks, darhlin, I’m sure it’s reasonably toned and any touch of flabbiness would only add to the perk factor.

Devon

But there’s something I don’t get. A ‘survivor’, like the good doctor here describes, doesn’t seem like the type that would declare love the enemy and swear it off all together.


Janine

(Smiles) Oh no, darhling. I’m not here for me.


Devon 

What do you mean?


Janine

I’m here to explore why love has made him do the things he did, honey. It’s his destructive tendencies that are hurting the people around him, not mine. The only thing I’m guilty of is making people love me too much.
(sighs) I’m sure I’m the only one in therapy for being too beautiful.