Proust Questionaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

- Acceptance. I want to be able to live a whole day without once thinking about how I'm appearing to someone else. I know, I know, I exude an intoxicating blend of charm/sophistication/confidence, but on the inside I'm as distrustful of me as everyone else.

What is your greatest fear?

- Poverty. By poverty, I don't just mean like serious Ethiopian-pregnant-belly-boy-with-plastic-bottles-as-shoes type. I've been down to the homeless shelter at the Salvation Army, and I honestly would not even last one day in there. This makes me sound super pampered and sheltered, and perhaps for certain aspects of my life I really am. I don't mean to suggest that there are no problems left in your life if you have money, I'm just saying I'm more able and willing to cope with issues like Ray-Bans versus Oakley, or Armani versus Calvin Klein.

What historical figure do you most identify with?

- Cleopatra. What's that, she's not really a great beauty? Fuck this, I'm changing to Alexander the Great. He's the hot one right?

Which living person do you most admire?

- Betty White. The baddest old bitch on the block will rip you a new one while simultaneously not giving a shit.

Which trait do you most deplore in yourself?

- Complacency. Just once, I'd like to get good grades and actually maintain it for a couple more tests. "I scrapped an A? Uncork the wine, butler-guy!" 

What trait do you deplore most in others?

- Stinginess. I refuse to be friends with anyone who would count money down to the last cent.

What is your greatest extravagance?

- Every aspect of my life. I am literally physically incapable of saving money. A common rule my mother taught me - "The most expensive thing on the menu should be the best. It makes more sense!"

On what occasion do you lie?

- Whenever I speak to my parents. I don't lie to hurt anyone, all I know is that they would not hear a shred of truth from me until I know they are capable of handling it. And parents? Not so good handlers.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

- My high cheekbones. Because Celine says that a 'pretty face can take you places you don't wanna go.' No seriously though, every time I buy shades, my cheekbones are always touching the sides of the lenses. Or, maybe its cause my nose-bridge is not protruding enough to balance my gorgeous cheekbones. Sigh, it's hard being this pretty.

When and where were you happiest?

- Recording songs with Damian. The most honest and freest connection true friends can make is through music.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

- To curb that wandering eye. No, I don't have a lazy eye problem, I have an off-the-charts lust issue.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

- More understanding. That they would learn their children are going to be who they are going to be, and to not feel as if every 'mistake' their children make is due directly to their failure in parenting.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

- Going away to college and managing my own life. It is literally and figuratively the biggest step I've taken in my life, and I know of lesser beings who would be too afraid to do what I have done, so good job, Jamie-darhls. (Yes, that is what I call myself when I speak to a mirror, usually followed by a 'Hello, gorgeous', depending on the mood and lighting.)

If you died and came back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

- To have any job that comes with a bodyguard, but with no real danger involved. Yes I'm an attention whore, so what draws people attention at a crowded mall better than a huge guy dressed sharply in a suit? People would go nuts trying to figure out if I was some sort of celebrity while I make my bodyguard muscle the way to the front of every queue.

What is your most treasured possession?

- My wit and sanity. Not quite sure if they're meant to coexist, but I do know that I'm nowhere near the DID patients in the videos I used to see in psychology class, so I'm still good for a while. The statistics they use in that class does scare me a little, and a lot of psychotic illnesses manifest themselves in the patient's late 20s or early 30s, so there's still plenty of time for me to completely lose my mind.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

- Being the last surviving member of your family. They're still the only people who will always put your life before theirs.

Who are your heroes in real life?

- I look back at all that I've overcome, and inspire myself daily. You think I'm high from smoking my own ego, but I'm really being completely serious. Just take a look at everything that you have done and think about how, once upon a time, you thought you'd be defeated by it. I lived through all that, I can do it again.

What is it that you most dislike?

- Religious nuts. I like my pistachios and almonds completely atheist and roasted, thank you very much. 

How would you like to die?

- On the grassy hills of Switzerland, while the breeze takes away my final breath. I just hope the sheep or whatever god-awful creatures it is that lives on those hills don't nibble or take a shit on my cold dead body.

What is your motto?

- Haters gonna hate. I wish I could truly have a screw-the-haters attitude, but not gonna lie, it sometimes does hurt.