A couple days back, something I had thought was completely trustworthy turned its porcelain back on me - my toilet had went on strike, refusing to swallow yet another load of human excretion. As I watched in utter horror, the toilet just filled and filled as I desperately and repeatedly (which, on hindsight, was a pretty stupid thing to do) pressed down on the flush button. It was, on many levels, very much like a mother trying to coax her child to take another spoonful of medicine, except a mother wouldn't be screaming vulgarities while sobbing and gasping on the bathroom floor. "Please... Why don't you want to take my offerings... Are you mocking me?!"
The situation was devastating, and I've decided that I definitely wouldn't put up with this outrageousness. So like all proactive college students, my course of action was to sit and wait it out, while praying to the lords above - whichever lord with sympathetic dispositions towards bowel movement - that the toilet would come to its senses and just take one more gulp for the team. The water level would slowly and painstakingly take its time trickling to the hole level, and each time I eagerly try to flush it yet again, I only end up disappointed. I had taken to going to the bathroom 3 levels down in the food-court toilet (there's something very magical about their mirrors. It seems to have the perfect soft glow lighting that makes me feel very good about myself. I've been caught fawning over my fake reflection on more than one occasion by people coming in, and I quickly pretend like I'm straightening my shirt.) The problem is, sometimes they close the entrance to the food-court early, and there doesn't seem to be another public toilet anywhere else in the building.
Max The Suitemate seems to know of some sort of drain-unclogging-liquid that you can just buy and pour into the toilet, and it's supposed to do as its name suggests. It was finally purchased tonight, and after waiting, breathless (partly because of the fumes from the liquid), for an hour, there was still no sign of recovery on the toilet's part. I knew the Gods of Toilet Tragedies wouldn't have let us off that easily. Just pour liquid into a toilet, and expect it to magically unclog itself? It was like expecting to put out a bushfire with spit. The vision that came to me at that instant was crystal clear - on this Indian Summer night, James Madison Zhang was losing his toilet plunging virginity.
A trip down to Walgreens gave me a variety of plungers to choose from, and of course, I picked the one that said 'Best Plunger Ever Manufactered!" If they could claim that, it definitely had to be true. If I was plunging my first toilet, I had to roll with the best. For some reason, I didn't want to walk into Walgreens and only buy a plunger. It was like buying condoms, or pregnancy test kits - you don't want to embarrass yourself and only buy that one thing, so you buy a few stuff to disguise it. Plus, you can never walk into Walgreens and come out with only the item you set out to buy, it's very much like the Ikea curse, where everything looks as if they're necessary in your home. Amazingly enough, the cashier manages to fit every single camouflaging item into one bag, and asked if I wanted to carry the plunger in my hand. I'd have plunged his face with it, if I hadn't been so eager to get out of public.
Back home, I peruse the instruction tag that came along with the plunger. (Yup, there are apparently instructions on how to do this.) I was under the impression that you simply stuck the thing in there, and exerted a back and forth motion. Clearly, plunging a toilet, like sex, wasn't as easy as it may appear. This very high tech appliance I had purchased came with a valve for letting air out, and you're supposed to open the valve, push it into the hole, twist the handle so that it closes, then plunge. I don't think aircrafts came with that many instructions. I had completely no idea what the mechanism behind any of that was, and after ten minutes of vigorously pushing the damn thing in and out with no progress made, I was ready to turn to a higher power - Google.
Apparently, what I was doing wrong was that the toilet was too full when I was plunging it. Take this as a learning opportunity, boys and girls who have yet to face the perils of a clogged toilet. The toilet should preferably be almost empty when you start to plunge, so you can do it very vigorously and not be afraid of the water splashing out. In my case, the toilet was already pretty full, so I had to use the plunger sort of like a dropper, sucking up water, tilting it so the water stays inside, then disposing it in the drain. It was pretty bleak work - I had no idea what I was doing, or even if any of this would even work.
When the water level was finally appropriate for some serious plunging to go down, I gave that damn toilet everything I got. I plunged like I had never plunged before, and at last - I hear the sweet sounds of a delightful gurgle as it sucks down the water. After all that lunacy, my toilet was finally brought back to life. I gaze upon it with the tenderness and love only someone who's plunged could understand, and I gave it an energetic flush and a pat for good measure. Some take pride in their child's minor scholastic achievements, I take pride in knowing that my bathroom had a well functioning toilet thanks to my hard work.
It felt very empowering, knowing I wouldn't be stumped by a tantrum throwing toilet anymore. Perhaps this was life's big secret - plunge anyone with a tantrum, and I'm pretty sure they'll stop. An obstacle, as I've said many times, is only a test of how much you want something. I really want to take that leak, so you're shit outta luck, Thomas. (Yeah, I named the toilet. I don't know about you, but I certainly can't have that intimate of an encounter with something and still call it an 'it'.)
No comments:
Post a Comment