An Interview

We have with us today the young and obviously very talented author of the popular self-help book 'I Smell Like Vanilla and You're Fat' with us today. Hello, James. 

You forgot good-looking and intelligent. Can we re-do the intro?

We have with us today the young, good-looking, intelligent and obviously very talented author of the popular self-help book 'I Smell Like Vanilla and You're Fat' with us today. Hello, James.

Hello there! It's so nice of you guys to feature me in this month's edition of your magazine.

Well, we could hardly say no, after the giant pile of letters and threats you've sent to our editor's office.

Oh, you journalist people are such a funny bunch, absolutely love it. You and your 'ooh writing for a magazine makes me a writer' delusion, just delightful.

No wonder they were giggling when they handed me this assignment. Right. The theme of this month's article is the declining state of the music industry. What, in your opinion, James, is contributing to such low record sales?

I was under the impression we would be talking about my new book. And for readers who don't know this, although I can't see how, this is my second book in this series. The first one is titled 'I Taste Like Chocolate and You're Ugly'. You must have read it, practically every one has (chuckles), so go on, you can ask me anything about it.

This is a music magazine, we're obligated to talk about music, James. 

How strange. I must have sent out too many of those lobbying threats.. I mean letters that I lost track. Oh well then. Someone as intelligent and talented as myself, as you've very kindly said, is obviously as well equipped as your originally featured guest to talk about the music scene. Who was that again, Born Jovin or something? 

Bon Jovi.

That's right. Well let me begin. Declining sales are definitely due to bad songs on the radio. The single most atrocious thing on the radio right now.. Well on the way here I heard the a highly offensive voice chanting about how he 'can't be tamed'. He was singing, well, I wouldn't call that singing, but I don't want to be nasty, ya know. He was singing (ahem) about guys being 'hot' for him everywhere he goes. Is this by chance a song about a very feminine looking man who frequents gay clubs?

I think you're talking about Miley Cyrus. She's not a man.

A tranny? 

No, she's not a tranny. 

Oh, right, right, I get it. We've in the era of 'political sensitivity' now. What's the new term for them again? She-male's not it, right?

She is honestly a 17 year old girl.

Well blow me over and call me George! Well now I've really heard everything. Wait, this Miley girl, or so you say, is she by chance the one featured with all the stripper poles? 

She did perform with a stripper pole last year, but the official record is that she was merely holding it and not pole danc-

I thought she was a prostitute who got into a car accident, what with that disfigured face and all. And I remembered thinking, "Good for this stripper girl! Going on and doing her thing, probably supporting 3 toddlers and a drunkard boyfriend, even after suffering such hardships and disfiguration." You know, it's really hard to break into the sex-worker industry, and with a face like that? Don't even dream about it. Good gracious! Turns out she was just a singer who got into a car accident.

She was never in a car accident, James. 

Was she hit in the face by a baseball bat then? I know of this one guy back in Junior College.. I think his name was Joey or something, I'm not sure.. who suffered that same fate. I didn't actually see it happen, but judging by that mess on his face I can only describe as 'tragic', I'd say it's a pretty educated guess.

Let's move on. We always ask this question in our interviews. If there was just one album you could bring with you to a desert island, what would it be?

Just one? Are there CD players on the island? What kind is it? 

That's not really the point...

Can I have the ones where blue lights blink on and off when it turns on? I like those, makes me feel like the aliens have landed.

Um, sure? Any kind you like, as long as it plays CDs.

I would bring... Hang on, shouldn't I be hunting for food instead of hanging around listening to music? Are there coconuts around? I do love coconuts. Hey, maybe my next book should be 'I Love Drinking Coconuts and You're as Dumb as a Coconut'. 

That's all the time we have for today, join us next month for an exclusive interview with music insider Bon Jovi.

And, I would like to add, my book is in stores now, and there are book signing sessions, with the schedule posted on my website, and.. Hey! Why are you turning the recorder off? I'm not...