This is a piece for those who consider themselves socially awkward and behaviorally inept. If you have had a sexual encounter (with a real person who is not yourself) in the last 72 hours, this piece is not for you, you sexy beast. Rest of you, read on.
Less socially evolved beings (such as yourself) may often find yourself at a loss when it comes to behaving in a culturally accepted manner at a gathering of alcohol, drugs and dance music, or more usually known in its layman term, a "party". More often than not, that problem would not exist as you simply might not be popular enough to be invited. If so, rejoice and go back to playing Call of Duty 3; your ability to act like a well-adjusted young adult will not be tested today. If you do somehow manage to wrangle an invitation for yourself, however, you are in luck, for how often does one get such eloquently written advice from a fraternity-veteran? Slap yourself on the back for finding such a gem.
If you have slapped yourself on the back, congratulations, you have just reaffirmed your status as an awkward-being, if you had any doubts before. No worries, embarrassing actions like that will be eradicated by the time you attend your first college party.
Timing is everything in a party. Even if your invite (which I doubt you have one, but let's just pretend) says that the party starts at 8, please don't be on time. The sober monitors (bouncers) for one, are super alert at that time and your chances of crashing a party are extremely slim. Show up between 10:30pm to 11pm.
Parties are usually regulated in one of four ways: friend-only, invite-lists, buy-ins or open. Friend-only parties are smaller and only very close friends know about it, they may even be strictly restricted to fraternity brothers only. These are near impossible to crash, unless you're the girlfriend or dying cousin of a member. Bigger parties are based on invite-lists, which may or may not be strictly monitored, and you can sometimes get in if you just know someone on the list. If you do not have an invite, stick with a group that's going in at once -- once your hand's been marked, you're home free. Buy-ins are easy to get into (but they may be invite-based too), all you really have to do is to fork up around $5 for a beer cup. Parties with buy-ins are usually equipped with kegs, but those are bigger security risks with the cops. Due to legalities, parties that serve beer by the cans (as mine does) makes it harder for cops to bust the entire house for under-aged drinking. Do not bring a backpack to a party; you will not be allowed to carry it in. Parties at fraternity houses are rarely open to just anyone because thieves and homeless people exist. And if they are, you really don't want to find yourself there anyways. Have some basic sense of decency, geez.
Now you're in the party! You should be greeted by a wave of incredibly loud music, the stench of stale beer, and strobe lights. As you are socially-awkward and all, being thisclose to 250 people at once can be overwhelming. It doesn't make it better that they all seem to be dancing (and grinding, but we'll talk about that later) to different beats, none of which coincide with the whomp-whomping coming from the speakers. Your best course of action now is to locate the alcohol. The better parties plan and allocate enough beer, but the roughly planned ones may run out, so grab some cans and be selfish about it. You are now to stand by the wall and look cool, which involves taking long drags of whatever drink you have and rolling your eyes at everyone. The idea is to convey the message that you're only here because you're obligated to make appearances at big parties, and that everyone's acting like total drunk tools and you're better than them. This image may be subsequently dropped when you're eventually shitfaced. Also, locate all of the bathrooms, you will thank me later.
You may or may not occasionally stumble into a conversation with a stranger at the party. If they're attractive, introduce yourself (omit your favorite LOTR characters in your self-introduction), ask about their major. Socially acceptable things to talk about includes where they're from, what they're drinking, who they know at the party... If you're crashing the party, however, omit that last question as it will only lead to your outing as a 'rando'. If they're hideous, keep saying "WHAT? THIS MUSIC IS SO LOUD! PARTY ON!" and bop your head and move along. You didn't come to a party to hook up with uglies, and any minute spent with one is a minute wasted on opportune hunting.
Games of beer-pong, baseball, flip-cup or smash would be occurring in the most crowded areas of the room. You would recognize it by the raucous laughter of college kids flinging ping-pong balls into triangularly arranged cups. Games of pong and baseball are difficult to get into without friends at the party, so I recommend avoiding it. Flip-cup, however, is largely communal and it would not be difficult to squeeze in. Two rows of party-goers form across two sides of a rectangular table, each with a bit of beer in their cup. When it gets to your turn, toss back the beer, place the cup on the edge of the table, and flip it with an upward motion so that it lands on its mouth. Simple. A lot of cheering and high-fiving goes on if your team wins, so I would avoid that if you're not into touching strangers in an exuberant manner.
At some point in the night you may find yourself wanting to dance. The dance-floor, however, is not an all-inclusive space and you may want to reconsider. Dancing is neither required nor encouraged on the dance-floor, and the only movements you need to be capable of replicating are that of a pulsating pelvis. The dance-floor is a cruel mother, it can give so much and it can crush. Your best bet for avoiding elimination is to find someone intoxicated enough to grind with. If you look around you and everyone else has been paired up into teams of public affection, quietly and inconspicuously slink away, for you have been disqualified, you shameful rat. Don't be disheartened, however. If you are heterosexual, its very virtue guarantees a good chance for a grinding-partner regardless of how ugly one is, I have witnessed this phenomenon many times.
One in the morning is a good time to leave a party. Stay too long and things inevitably happen. The bathrooms start getting clogged up with puke, lesser beings start revealing just how susceptible to alcohol-poisoning they are, and sometimes things go missing. You wouldn't want to stick around when they start accusing people of stealing the DJ's iPod, especially if you were the one who stole it. Being the only one sobering up when everyone else is hammered can be both an eye-opening and terrifying experience.
Do your best to avoid wobbling when walking home, and for the love of God, check that you don't have a beer on you when you leave. Carrying around a bright-red plastic cup gives cops the probable cause to stop you. They are abundant as chickens in a barnyard so don't give them a reason to book you.
Congratulations! You have survived your very first party and hopefully made enough friends to get invited to another. Now go home and nurse that hangover (hydrate, hydrate, hydrate) and you'll have a whole week's worth of stories to impress your nerdier friends.
You're very welcome.
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