The Apartment

His apartment is a cute little thing, very nicely dolled out, with bold colors dashed across the room. It's organized but not coolly so - he's careful to project a sense of welcoming and comfort. Neatly arranged rows of shoes are offset by cushions that are carelessly tossed about. He doesn't want the militaristic neatness to seem oppressive to anyone, lest it force them away. There's a 'warm lighting' policy that forbids harsh, florescent glares from intruding into private moments. Warm, dim glows illuminates the living quarters and throws flattering shadows onto Marilyn Monroe's coy smiling posters. An asymmetrical glass-and-steel coffee table hints at his modernistic and stylish flair, while framed posters of classic movie stars give us glimpses of his secretly old soul. The living room is inviting and hospitable - many guests have told him so - and he takes a lot of pride in making people feel comfortable and welcome.

The bedroom, however, tells a vastly different story. Everything is minimalistic here - none of that indulgence that was so apparent in the living room. If the theme of the living room is 'indulgence', then the bedroom must be 'spartan'. Only the bare essentials are apparent there: There is a bed - rather, two mattresses pushed together on the floor - and there is a desk and there is half a closet. The only evidence of any excessivity is found in the closet without a door, where jackets, blazers, suits and shirts are organized based on occasion, material, color and season. Apart from that, the room is barren with beige walls and a solitary and lonely James Dean poster. The odd hugeness of the room, uncommon for a bedroom, only makes it seem even more hollow. The only source of light comes from a cheap Target floor lamp that overexerts itself as it feebly tries to brighten up the room. 

The apartment has unconsciously became a reflection of his self. His public personna, the side he reveals to guests, is warm and welcoming, stylish and exuberant. His truer side, however, where he sleeps and is most vulnerable, is left unattended to. As long as he keeps it inside and place all his efforts into keeping up appearances, no one, except those that have been in his bed, will know the real state of his being. Besides, he doesn't spend much time in there, not while awake anyways. He doesn't like remembering how he bawled his eyes out in on the first night he ever slept in that very bed.

In many ways this an apartment for two. For reasons unknown to him, his bathroom was made with two sinks, but he always sticks to one. Perhaps he's saving that one for someone he's yet to met, who would claim that sink as their own. Some couples give each other drawers, he gives out sinks. Everything he buys he buys in twos, evidenced by his matching sets of two bowls, two plates, two mugs and two glasses. Exactly two. He doesn't know why - he only ever uses one, but like it is with the sink, maybe he's getting himself prepared. Maybe sometime the other set will get some action.

J'aime ... je n'aime pas

I like gifts when they're sentimental and small, something I can hold in my hands and feel the memories pulsating within. I like attaching too much emotional value to inanimate objects because the real value of anything only comes to life with the thought we put into it. I don't like gifts when they come with an expectation, like a gift of money to a prostitute implies that she's now obligated to give you sex. I don't like expensive gifts that make you tread carefully with the giver from that moment on, because you don't want to offend him after he's done something so nice for you. You end up second guessing your actions and words around him, as if internally judging if your cheap shots live up to his weighty gift.

I don't like labels when it's describing the internal. I don't like how every label comes with its own host of stereotypes that we end up unconsciously trying to fit just because we know the people around us expect us to. I like labels when it's describing the external, like clothes and statuses and relationships. Armani. Baller. Boyfriend. I like how it gives us a safe zone to function in, how they let us know what to expect, without really defining the limits of our boundaries. They make me feel safe, secure, and even if its an illusion of security I'll take it for what it is.

I like chocolates when I'm drinking it out of a chocolate martini, and when I'm blindly picking it out of an assorted candy box. I like chocolates that come with Christmas and all the well-wishing cheer behind it, like tasting their joyous spirit in each cocoa-filled bite. I don't like chocolate when it comes with tears, like out of a sob-fest ice-cream binge. I don't like chocolates that comes with fruit-fillings, because stop trying to help us deceive ourselves - we're eating chocolate, lets stop pretending it's healthy.

I don't like you when you're ignoring me for work, when I'm reminded that time with me doesn't provide you with a paycheck - therefore time not spent working is time wasted. I don't like you when you make decisions for the both of us, then accuse me of only thinking of myself when your supposedly selfless decisions were centered around you. I don't like you when you thoughtlessly waste my efforts. But each time I turn to look at you and see you already staring at me, I like you a little bit more.

Morning

The brightest rays of the morning

Comes not from the sun

Through the blinds it shines

The sweetest sounds I hear

Comes not from the lark

Whose songs find these ears of mine

That which makes me feel alive

Comes not from my first breath

As I open my eyes

It is your face, exhale, and presence

By my side as I awake

In which I find the most exquisite surprise

Therapists Are Wrong

My therapist said,

“What you think are your flaws

should in no way give you pause,

cause every insecurity there ever was

must be embraced because

- you see,

what we think is wrong in us;

the way you address stress and obsess

to impress and profess some finesse

you think you possess,

the way you cuss and mess

when you play love like it's chess

- it's no flaw, it's a strength!

You're not needy, you're passionate!

You obsess because you don't give in to fate!

No, no – it's not a debate.

I hate seeing you in this state,

You pay me an hourly rate to set you straight.

Your words merely don't translate,

it's him that can't appreciate.”

When I was younger

I was a victim of this exact delusion.

I lived under an illusion

That love has to be the conclusion

to any story – so imagine my confusion -

My shock when heartbreak would knock;

When I realized the only way to block

any hurt was to lock myself up, round the clock.

I can't even walk a few blocks

without having my heart crushed like chalk

by some cocky jock from Bangkok.

All along,

I thought they were in the wrong.

I told myself to bear the pain, to be strong,

sing another 'Fighter'-esq boy-bashing song.

A lifelong throng of 'run along', 'so long'

'One day I'll find someone with whom I belong',

But it wasn't long

Before I started turning introspective.

Who am I from their perspective?

Behind a facade deemed attractive

Were there native qualities so repulsive

that if they told me, I wouldn't even believe.

Am I supposed to keep going on,

basing all my dreams upon

some fantasy I've drawn with crayon,

that I'm in fact not some moron

with every shred of common sense foregone.

It finally dawned

That fawning over any brawn

Killed my ability to differentiate interest from a yawn.

Maybe it's my problem for blinding my own reason

with the weight of expectation,

for wanting heaven before date number seven,

for desiring so much that I completely lost touch

of the reality - that we live in a world

where things aren't just handed to us.

Where we're harassed in this circus

of vicious strangeness,

navigating without a compass

through this wondrous darkness.

When did life become a pursuit of ice-cream and orgasms,

where freedom gives way to outcomes of threesomes.

When we learn words like scrotum and condoms,

Does sex become the anthem we parade in our kingdoms?

I've heard it said that 'you deserve better',

but who's left behind, or does that even matter -

aren't we're all just picking up pieces the previous shattered?

It's not you, but it's also not all me,

we're all fucked up in ways we can't even see.

You're a dick of the highest degree

Yet I'm a dick for being your devotee.

Maybe one day we'd both agree

to cease this self inflicted murderous spree.

INFJ Dating Bible or: How to Date an INFJ

Source: Modalities of Existence 

INFJs are, by definition, rare, reserved, and unlikely to initiate anything, which means that many of them can end up alone and misunderstood. To help with things, I’ve compiled a list of points which I think would be of great use to anyone considering dating someone who identifies as an INFJ.

• For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best and can be extremely gullible.
• INFJs are adept at nonverbal communication (eye gaze, touching, body language, etc.). Just because they’re not speaking doesn’t mean they’re not saying something.
• INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.
• INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply. It’s not uncommon for INFJs to cry if they feel something very deeply.
• INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’. Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.
• INFJs can often mimic other types.
• INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.
• INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.
• An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.
• INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.
• They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.
• INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.
• The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented. Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.
• INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.
• INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject their love, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.
• An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknessess means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you, however the latter is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.
• They need patience but they give patience in return.
• They’re curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.
• They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.
• They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.
• INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.
• INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.
• Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.
• Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.
• INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world.

Useful quotes from the internet about INFJs:

On truth:

“INFJs are all about deeds, not words. Don’t fuck up anything when you are granted a stage by an INFJ. It may take a long time before they give you that stage. Remember that they are intently testing you at that point. Talk all you want after that audition, providing you pass the test. The conversation will be most pleasant forever after … until you fuck up.

Eight years of marriage to a textbook INFJ has taught me the power of truth. I have seen what happens to people who deceive an INFJ. They are dropped like a hot pan.”

On vengeance:

“I do think that’s one of the main features of the INFJ type, vital even: a strong sense of right and wrong; they can’t tolerate wrongdoings of any kind. But at the same time, I’ve observed that INFJ’s attitude over their sense of morals comes in two variants; Jesus-like ones that say “turn the other cheek”, and the badass Kenshin ones that punish wrongdoers.”
—
“I have an INFJ friend, who is someone I would never EVER want to piss off, I’ve seen him angry only once in my life, and he goes all out then, lashing out to the point that it’s fearsome and it takes nearly an hour for him to cool down… it would start with him just suddenly becoming quiet and very isolated and then bam!

If ever in a war, that dude is on my side as a general!”
—
“We go through great efforts to keep everything civil, friendly, and harmonious, and we even allow people a certain amount of “buffer space”. But once you’ve overstepped that boundary or pushed things too far, then BAM! Tactical. Nuclear. Strike.”

On holding back:

“My tendency to hold back IS who I am, and I am okay with that. I embrace that.

Because I am here and my friends know it. I am at my maximum potential when I am taking care of my family, yes, but I have many close friendships I nurture on a regular (every few weeks) basis, and they are almost as important to me.”
—
“INFJs take time to open up. They are slow burners. I find I can’t really get to know them until after many prolonged conversations. But after you enter their realm of trust they are the sweetest, most genuine people.”

On Sex:

“If I pursued a lot of meaningless sexual relationships, I can guarantee you I would be miserable in the end. It’s not in my nature. I am 100% aware that I’m someone who has to have a certain level of emotional bonding and trust to have sex with someone, and while I’ve had friends give me a hard time for it in the past, I accept this about myself. I can’t turn that off, and I know it. So, instead of living in denial, trying to be “the tough chick who can have sex like a man,” I hold out for someone who actually values my true nature. If I didn’t do that, I’d only be hurting myself over and over again. Denying your true nature in an effort to be “fashionable” or “modern” or “independent,” in my opinion, really comes back to bite you in the ass.”
—
“I can’t see the appeal of casual sex, for me I have to be in a relationship with someone before I’d consider sex with them. Sexual intimacy is much more valued and emotional to me and I do not want to waste that on people I don’t know or do not have a special bond with.”

On Feeling Different:

“I have always felt extremely different from others. I know when people are sick, even sometimes right down to what is bothering them. I am automatically drawn to people in pain and instinctively help people through hard times with out even knowing I am doing it.”

On Love:

“INFJs are more “for the cause”, not free-love.”
—
“INFJs look scary love-wise.”

Exclusivity

I do admit that I try to keep control of my life through possessing stuff. I need to be able to say for certain what I have, the things I own tell me what I'm able to secure. At a time where nothing much in my life stays constant, I long to be able to just hold on to some things with no fear of it being ruthlessly taken from me. 

Loss is a part of life. It is a concept everyone is aware of but not one that is easy to swallow. In times following great loss. we scramble to recover what we can, to scour and gather up the little pieces of our fragmented lives. We hoard and we jealously defend what's left of us, and we build up even more barriers to keep the people around us at bay. They are thieves, just waiting for our guards to be let down before sneaking in and taking what little we have left.

I pity the people who desire to live lives of blurry encounters and hour-long commitments. I pity the people whom the word 'commitment' burns their psyches like holy-water on a demon. Maybe players who go home with different people every night feel secure in their own right, maybe they feel content with sporadic bursts of alcohol-aided intimacy. But I can't go through life like that. I need security and constant reassurance that the one I love wants me as much. 

I'm hardwired for exclusivity, and I naturally expect the same from anyone who expects to date me. My off-the-charts possessiveness literally makes me physically sick to imagine my dates with other guys. You can't have it all, expecting me to hang around while you enjoy non-exclusive playtimes with someone else. It's not easy getting someone like me to open up again after someone elses' actions forces me to back away, and squandering my trust doesn't end well for either of us.

Emotional and physical fidelity is not something that I will ever even entertain the possibility of questioning, and wanting me to explain that is like asking me to explain why sharks have a taste for walruses. Nature dictated it, deal. 

Samhain Reading

The Celtic Cross 

1. You now - Four of Swords

The past prevents you from moving on. You feel stuck, paralyzed by your fears and self-doubt generated by pain and heartbreaks from the past. 

2. Obstacle - The Star

Your ideals and expectations are so high that no one, not even you, can live up to them. Freely giving yourself in love because you are idealizing the person.

3. Conscious goal - Ace of Cups

Early stages of love and romance is indicated. You may find that your feelings have intensified, that you are falling head over heels for someone. You can just as easily be infatuated by an idea as you are by a lover.

4. Unconscious influence - Ten of Cups

You crave emotional fulfillment in a relationship. You search for happiness and the promise for more to come. You're looking for a safe haven.

5. Past influence - Queen of Wands

A figure who had came into your life exuding sex appeal and reminding you of your own sexual accomplishments. The person is charismatic and creative, attractive and magnetic.

6. Approaching influence - Knight of Cups

This card appears when we are not honest about our feelings. Do you desire a knight in shining armor to rescue you? It could be time to open up, be more sensitive, play a romantic game, indulge in the most fanciful and protean of love's experiences. Represents someone who is a great lover, full of emotions, charm and desire to please the other.

7. Inner resource or talent - The Chariot

This card is all about confidence, healthy ego and self-belief. You will have the self assurance and spirit to get what you want. Take care not to be too controlling, or let someone who only thinks of himself hamper you.

8. How other see you - Four of Pentacles

People find you mean, possessive, a control freak, stubborn and stagnant. You believe that your way is the only way, and controls others with materialism. You control others very subtly through your ego's need to possess and thereby maintain control. You relate to others by defining your territory, saying 'this is mine, not yours'.

9. Fears - Five of Wands

You fear not knowing where you truly stand with someone. You feel as if the world is against you, that anything that can go wrong has gone wrong.

10. Outcome - The Magician

This card signifies masculine sexual energy. Don't be so focused on yourself that you ignore your deeper needs and values. The Magician always represents an individual that you need to get to know before you hand your heart to him. Recognize that you have the power to create your own reality

The Relationship Right Now

1. Its energy - Temperance

In a sense, you have died and been reborn. The ego has failed you so you finally have the freedom to release it. You are left in total passivity, waiting for the new tools you will need to guide you in evaluating the world.

2. Its communication - Ten of Swords

Before you embark on a new journey, you must liberate yourself from old patterns of behavior, drop emotional baggage and say goodbye to the 'old you'. This is the turning point.

3. Its strength - The Lovers

You may find yourself being tested before you transition into a new phase of life. There may be a new relationship entering your life, one that will have significant impact. Lovers in an upright position indicates that you are emotionally and spiritually ready.

4. Its weakness - Two of Pentacles

You may be juggling too many things at once. Perhaps you need someone else to help balance the psychological books with you.

5. Its reality - Seven of Cups

You have high expectations and expect to get away with anything. You live a life of excess, do not overestimate what someone has to offer you.

6. Its passion - King of Swords

You are excited by a challenge of wits. He is often consumed by his work and has a love for knowledge. He tends to think abstractly and can distinguish truth from untruths. He has an attraction to idealism but may be inhibited by his rational thought processes. His temperament is calm, controlled and objective. He would prefer not to disclose his emotions for fear that it may make him vulnerable. He is cautious and careful as he would like to maintain control and order. He is not always at ease in relationships. Although he can be attentive and charming, he can lose interest quickly. He refrains from giving his emotions too much power. This can at times make him feel defensive and distant.

7. The key to its future - Six of Cups

Relationships may need to become more playful and innocent. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. Speak from the heart. The Six of Cups urges you to break from past obligations that are holding you back. You may need to let go of old ties and relationships. Be willing to try something new, live in the moment.

Graveyard Musings

Snarling gargoyles bow as I enter
Wintery breezes 
They flirt with my fingers
Sink my feet into burning ice
Conscience is numb
Yet it longs and cries
Cruelty fuels the flame
To ignite all blame
Burn me from the inside
So to you I do the same
Tell me a story, tell me a lie
Make me believe
There's good in goodbye
Carve a pumpkin from a face
Smile to face 
The scythe with grace
Show me longing rips you apart
Show me torn and damaged to start
In a graveyard I make my bed
People don't lie
Are people who're dead
Bouquets of wilted guilt
Sew patches of soul on a wretched quilt
Starlight winks through fog that blinds
Buttercup dew still clouds my mind
I prick my finger to write our names
On a headstone
Where it'll last for a day
A flame flickers with no candle in sight
Muted sorrow brings me a figure in white
My senses know not 
Be it angel or ghost
But kiss me gently
Where it hurts the most
Witches reign yet they bring no peace
Watch me scatter
Piece by piece
Lie with me on a night so still
Lie with me so I feel no chill

Losing Your Metaphorical Virginity, by Stephanie Georgopulos

Who knows when the desire to be someone’s “first” blooms? We decide early on that being the first means something. The first relationship, the first kiss, the first blow job, the first romp, the first love. We assign some heavy meaning to being a pioneer — an expert — in the person we care for. As we grow older, we become desperate for firsts to cling to – at a certain age, they become few and far between.

Logically, the longer our person of interest has been playing the field, the less likely it is that we’ll be their first anything. We know that. We also know, logically, that being first doesn’t strip being second or even third of its meaning. So what if you’re Version 3.0? It just means more thought and attention to detail went into curating your relationship. But love is anything but logical.

That’s why losing your virginity is strange. Most of us believe it’ll be this significant event. And it will be, for some people. But for the rest of us, losing our virginity was just the first time we learned that being “first” doesn’t necessarily mean being “best” or “only.”

It’s a little depressing; that this thing you counted on to add value to your life might eventually become just another stamp in your sexual history passport. Because one day you’ll meet someone who makes time stop and you’ll think maybe they would’ve been worth waiting for, you’ll want to give them one of your firsts. Instead of recognizing that maybe it’s unnecessary to inject our “firsts” with so much meaning, we clamor for new firsts to assign to our relationships.

We get to have a few firsts, but most don’t speak to the metaphorical definition of losing your virginity. Metaphorically, losing your virginity is losing your innocence. Your naivety. After you have sex for the first time, are you less innocent or naïve than you were before? I’d venture to guess that you’re not. I’d venture to guess that, after you’ve slept with someone for the first time, perhaps you’re at your most naïve. Perhaps you believe, “I have won her,” or “He is mine,” or “We are going to be together.” In that way, you haven’t lost your metaphorical virginity – you’ve reinforced it.

The first time you fall in love, and you commit to trusting someone with your secrets and your issues and most of all, your heart … it takes a certain purity to pull that off. That kind of belief is rare, reserved for the Tooth Fairy or religion. To experience it as an adult is sort of a miracle. Your innocence remains in tact.

So when do we lose our innocence? I propose that most of us lose it the first time our heart is broken, the one first we don’t sign up for. When we fall in love with someone, we don’t think, “I want this to ruin me.” We know it might, but we don’t have faith in that. We have faith in love. We are naive, naked, innocent. And when all of our childlike beliefs sit in the palm of someone else’s hand, whether we’ve given them our first time or our first “I love you,” or maybe our second “I love you” or our third “I love you,” they can ball up their fist and crush those beliefs, they can knock you unconscious with that fist (metaphorically speaking, of course). It’s a first beyond our control, the first that teaches us that there is no protecting the things we love, they can be destroyed. We learn to avoid naivety — because if we don’t, if we belligerently believe in love, we’ll be punished for it.

Although it’s likely you’ll lose your innocence to heartbreak, you can find it again. You find it in the eyes of someone new or in the pit of your stomach, thumping wildly like you’ve swallowed your heart whole. You regain your “virginity” every time you overcome the darkness betrayal can breed, every time you find yourself vulnerable in spite of your past, every time you walk around with a stupid grin on your face for no reason and every reason. You take ownership of your innocence when you learn that your first time doesn’t have to be your last time. When someone shows up armed and ready to fight your predilection for distrust, and you, in turn, let your guard down because you desperately want that person to wage war with your common sense, there’s nothing more innocent than that.

Source: Thought Catalogue

Platinum